Smokers
by Crazy-Lil-Yume-Chan
Summary: Lovino is a doctor, getting the annoying, smoking Gilbert as patient. Slowly dying Gilbert who has nothing to live for, Lovino decides to give him a reason to keep living and save him. Medical Prumano with minor GerIta, Spamano and maybe others. AU.
1. Smoke

**A/N Yeah, I got bored =_= I will finish Stars, I just have an author's block atm, and this was an idea that popped into my head. I know absolutely nothing about medical stuff, most stuff learned from House tbh x'D And I made that percent number up. It sounded good, so I just put it there to fit in. I wrote this because I was bored, but I really want to continue on it, because I love it? 8D yeah, that's it. I love it~ Please tell me what you think too, about everything, and as I said, I'm making the medical stuff up (I couldn't even find a good desease Dx) so yeah. Don't point that out please. But tell me what you think about it 8D I'll stop my rambling now. ENJOY~ **

**I DON'T OWN HETALIA.**

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><p><strong>Chapter 1 <strong>

**~Smoke~**

I saw the smoke before I saw him. The white cloud of smoke coming from his mouth, standing out over the young non-smoking parents with small children holding their hands. When I noticed the smoke I frowned, who smokes at a playground? There were children there god damn it! I myself was joined by my younger brother and the kid he got paid for to babysit play at the swings. But I should get that money, really, since I was the one babysitting the carefree, much like a child, good-for-nothing brother of mine. Not that I minded going to the park, I loved the park, it was just really annoying trying to relax near the bright green trees by the lake under the warm spring sun when you had to watch over two overexcited boys with minds as five year olds (one where five, so it was fine him being like a five year old).

So when I saw the smoke I got pissed. Didn't the bastard know about passive smoking? And near children that are impressionable. He'd probably give us all cancer, that bastard!

So, what did I do? I went to yell at him, of course! He can't just do that in the park!

Soooo, determined to give him the scolding of a lifetime, and irritated to the bone caused by my little brother frequently yelling at me to look at _how fucking high _he was swinging.

Just fucking GREAT.

When I walked closer, I noticed his white hair. No, not white, rather colorless. It was colorless, no highlights or shifting in any colors, just plain _colorless. _When I got even closer I noticed the piercing eyes, darting around, looking in every direction possible, watching the playing kids, snuggling teens, talking old people and happy persons running around the lake. I took a good look at him, trying to figure out who the idiot was.

He was pale, beautifully shaped muscles under the tight black t-shirt covered by a red checked west and slim jeans, looking like a statue with his colorless hair, the only thing seeming living was his lips, sucking on the cigarette and puffing out the smoke, and his eyes, never settling on anything. And he was surprisingly _hot. _Looking all relaxed and all, not hot-relaxed-always-smiling-bastard-person-filled-with-fucking-_happiness_ like my boyfriend Antonio, but hot-relaxed-smoking-badass-workout-_god _that Antonio could never be since he hated working out.

Suddenly, his red eyes stopped at me. Could feel myself freeze, and not being able to look away from them. The red eyes sucked me in and held me there, staring almost without blinking. They hadn't stopped at anything for the minutes I had watched him, so it caught me by surprise and I clearly wasn't ready for this. So when I finally could zoom out my vision, I saw his lips being curled up in a broad grin. I felt my cheeks heat up, and mentally cursed myself. I didn't even know him!

For a moment I had forgot why I walked over to him in the first place, but when I did, I was determined to finish it.

So stubbornly with clenched fists I started walking again and stopped right in front of him, getting next puff of smoke in my face.

"What do you think you are doing?" I asked when I had finished coughing. Damned smoke, running my clothes and lungs!

"Trying to get you over here" if possible, his grin grew wider and his red eyes stared up at me. "And it worked!"

"Not that" I glared and pointed at the cigarette resting between his fingers. "_That._"

He looked down at his fingers in surprise, as if he didn't know how it got there and he _definitely _hadn't sucked on it the other minute.

"This?" He looked up at me who nodded in annoyance as confirmation. "Oh, smoking?" To prove his point he raised his hand to take another puff but I slapped his hand so he dropped it to the ground where I stomped on it. "Hey!"

"Are you crazy? It's children around here!"

"So? I can smoke wherever I want to smoke."

"Ever heard of passive smoking? You'll increase their chances of getting cancer with 1.4%! Not to talk about your chances!"

The grin on his face got back, and he leaned back on the bench, looking disgustingly pleased with himself. "Ah. Is the little doctor worried about my well-being?"

Now seriously pissed, I leaned forward and glared with my famous death-glare that got even a fucking stonewall to pale.

"So what if I am? I hate smokers, they're all suicidal wankers asking to get their lives shortened. As soon as you _touch _a cigarette it's like saying "Oh, look at me! Being all cool and stupid trying to kill myself with this pathetic excuse of tobacco stick~. Oh I'm so cool~!" But guess what, you are all fucking wrong! Smoking doesn't give you _anything _but a shortened life where you die before you turn forty-five and leave behind all of the people you love and care about, and only idiots does that! So suck it up and stop this shit you _fucking dick-head._"

And after that I stood up and quickly turned around to walk away towards Feliciano's questioning shouting. I tried really hard not to stop at a tree and punch the bark so hard my knuckles would be bleeding for three days. That'd only be stupid; I wouldn't give the bastard that. Neither would I turn around, it was bad enough having to watch his face for as long as it took to scold him.

"Who was that one you where talking to?" Feli just _had _to ask, didn't he? He had slowed the swing down, not sitting on it without swinging back and forth so I could watch him without having to turn my head. "Is he a friend of yours brother?" He tried to look over my shoulder at the man who had probably taken out a cigarette again and was now happily puffing as if his life depends on it, which it does in the bad way.

"Never. I would never be friends with a jerk like him."

Oh, how Feli would make me eat up those words.

And little did I know that he had only taken out the cigarette and put it between his lips without lighting it, and was now sitting with his hands in his pockets staring up the clear blue sky.

**Xxx(OxO)xxX**

"_Doctor Vargas, we need you on the first floor."_

I frowned and looked up at the speaker hanging in the roof in disbelief. I had already been there three times today! How many times did they plan on making me run up and down those devilish stairs? I bet the whole system decided to make me go down there today just because the elevator was broken. _JUST. TODAY. _Fucking _great _if you ask me. Damn breaking elevator.

But I didn't have a choice did I? My home floor was the third, the children's ward. I had worked in the emergency room on the first floor my first three years at the hospital, I was the best doctor they had. So even though my young age I soon became team leader in the E.R, before I asked to get transferred to the children's ward. I couldn't take the pressure. After I saw a few people die in front of my eyes, under my hands bloodied by their blood, I broke. I couldn't bear the thought that I wasn't able to save them, that there was people still waiting for them at home, just like me and Feli had waited… all for nothing. So, after the whole building-catching-fire-and-falling-down-on-a-hundred-people-who-almost-everyone-died-right-on-the-spot-only-feets-away-from-me-accident a few years ago I decided I couldn't take it, and it was either quit or get transferred, I choose the latter. I couldn't afford losing my job with Feli still studying, and me having to stay strong for him. And since I didn't really mind children, they're easy to talk to, before they learn how to tell lies and using sarcasm, I ended up there. They still needed my help in the E.R sometimes, so if they called me, I came. That was the deal around here. They couldn't let their best doctor go to waste after all.

Ten minutes later, after dashing down the stairs to that damned first floor, which I didn't like if you didn't get the hint, I stood slightly panting in the doorway, looking around for whoever it was who called me.

"Doctor Vargas!"

Found him.

It was Eduardo, a man who was three years older than me, but looked like he was twenty three, and he always seemed nervous because of something. He had popped out his head from behind a curtain in the other end of the room, and was waving like a speeded mad-person on too much sugar cubes. I thought his shoulder would pop if he continued waving like that, so I hurried over, feeling the usual wave of nausea roll through my stomach, getting prepared for whatever I was about to face. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad, maybe just a popped shoulder or a scraped knee.

…Then what where they doing in the E.R?

To hell with it!

Much too like the movies, I dramatically pulled the curtain away, exposing whatever there was to be exposed behind it. To my surprise I wasn't met by blood. None at all, in fact. But what met me made me freeze. It was him again. That idiot with colorless hair from the park. The smoking bastard. I snorted and walked in, reaching for his journal.

"Lung cancer or what?" I asked, flipping through the papers, not wanting to look at him. Call me childish, but hey! That bastard was a smoker!

"Worse!" Eduardo gasped, clutching my white coats arm. "He came here with stomach pains, I think his kidney's are-"

"Yeah, yeah, cut the crap. Hey, lil doc! When can I go home?" The man on the bed spoke, tapping impatiently with his fingers on the edge of it.

I frowned at the nickname he had given me, and flipped to the first page again to look at his name. Gilbert Beilschmidt. Probably German.

"Mister Beilschmidt…. Is it?" I ignored him and continued to flip the papers, looking for a diagnosis or something so I knew what to work on. "Why are you here?"

"Like I said! He-"

"My tummy hurt just a bit" The idiot with colorless hair – Gilbert – shrugged and stared at me with his red eyes. "It's nothing serious."

"He's ly-"

"I would appreciate if you stopped lying to me, Mister Beilschmidt" I said and threw the journal to Eduardo when I realized I wouldn't get anything from the messy handwriting the other sloppy doctors had wrote about the man sitting in front of me, dangling his legs like another freak I knew. "I can see you sitting here, and to be honest I would be really happy if you'd just tell me that _yes, _you have lung cancer so I can laugh you in the face, start your treatment and then get you out of my life, but I'm a doctor, we can't ask you to do that. So if you'll be so nice and tell me already, we'll both be happy and away from each other's throats sooner." I rested my arm on the bed, and leaned on it, could make myself comfortable since this would probably take a while. "Stopped smoking yet?"

"For your information, mister Hi-I'm-a-little-know-it-all-doctor-with-a-stick-up-my-ass-who-thinks-I-can-save-your-life-with-death-glares, No, I haven't stopped smoking" he leaned towards me, the usual grin washed away from his face, and he looked angry. "What I have, is none of your concern. Slowly, my organs are failing. Every single one. They even stopped replacing them, since they'll fail too. They stopped wasting organs on me a long time ago, and they don't have a cure. They don't even know what it's called. I'm _dying _you little bitch. The doctors say I have a year, maximum. And I decided to do _WHATEVER THE FUCK _I want to do during that time, so if I get lung cancer sure, I'll be dead before I notice anyway. I don't even know _when _I'll die. I could just drop down right now, stone dead in front of your pretty feet." He leaned back again, still glaring at me, but now with much less fire. "I just stopped care."

I looked at him in shock. "B-but don't you have any relatives? Someone who's be heartbroken if you died?"

He shrugged. "My parents threw me out when I was fifteen. I travelled around for some years, before I ended up at West's parents' house. When they died I took care of him. But he's old enough to take care of himself, he even has a boyfriend. My friends are long gone."

"West?" I asked. What a strange name for someone. "Boyfriend?"

"Ludwig. Yeah, I think his name is Feli or something."

I felt myself froze again, and finally looked up to face him. "Feli? Feliciano Vargas?"

"Yeah-"

"Ludwig? _Luddy? _Are you cousin with Luddy?"

"…That's what I said yeah."

"Holy crap!" I swore and punched the bed hard. This couldn't be happening. Feli had told me about Ludwig's cousin. The serious German was constantly worrying about his cousin who was dying, and he looked everywhere for a cure. He was saving up money to whatever surgery needed to be done, and he even gave away some to Feli. He was working his ass off for this bastards sake, something about him being the only relative left that he was able to love. He loved him like a brother, more than he loved his own parents. _His parents for fuck's sake. _Do you realize what that mean? It means that if the bastard dies, Ludwig will break. And if Ludwig breaks, Feli will break (he has always broke when someone he loves around him breaks). And if they break, I'll have to take care for both of them, and I don't know how long I'll be able to keep it up if I can't even keep it up now?

I sigh and massages my temples in a try to get my aching, spinning head to stop. What to do, what to do…

"Hey, if it's giving you a headache, stop thinking about it" Gilbert said, the usual smirk back. "Work for me."

I turn to him and points right at him. "The doctors said a year, right?"

He nods and looks at me in slight confuse. "Yeah, why?"

"In one year, I'll give your sorry ass a reason to live, and save you" I say, sounding a lot more determined than I felt.

Gilbert now looked at me in pure puzzlement. Before his lips curled up in a grin and he burst out laughing. I didn't move an inch, my face dead serious and glaring at him as he bent over, not being able to hold him up while laughing so hard. After a good five minutes he had settled down enough to breath and gave me an amused look.

"Good luck, lil doc. Though I doubt you'll succeed."

Now it was my turn to smirk.

"Challenge accepted."

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><p><strong>Please review and make me happy and stuff? QwQ Thank you kind readers~<strong>


	2. Dreams

**A/N This chapter doesn't hold any medical stuff, but I just want to remind you that I still don't know anything about medical stuff xD Just so you know. A few ages would fit, right? And surnames, and work. Because I feel like it, okay? Tell me if you want it, and I'll put it in the next chapter xD Reviews with some critics would be much appriciated, and I'm happy that people like this QwQ 'cuz I was worried there for a sec... Anyway, I'm still rambling xD ENjoy~**

**I DON'T OWN HETALIA.**

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><p><strong>Chapter 2<strong>

**~Dreams~**

"_Remember this date Lutz. 'Cause this date next year, I'll be dead."_

That was what Gilbert told Ludwig. Who told Feliciano. Who told me. Because apparently the potato bastard had mentioned _my_ name in the confusing tears and worry filled phone call he had given my little brother, his boyfriend, just an hour ago.

"_That bastard" _was my first thought. Before I yelled a mantra filled with all the worst curse words I knew when I realized Antonio was coming over, so Feliciano couldn't bring Ludwig here. And the slow little brother of mine started crying until he realized that HE could go over to Ludwig instead! What a wonderful idea! Did he figure that one out himself? No. I did. And he finally got it after half an hour of desperate, frenetic crying.

I sighed deeply and fell down on the couch. Feli had rushed over to Ludwig, and there was twenty minutes before Antonio's shift ended, and another forty until he got here. An open space to think, Oh my Gosh! I hadn't had one since Feli was on a field trip three years ago. And I wasn't sure I liked them. I always ended up thinking of heavy stuff, like our parents, life or in this case; how the fuck I'd find a cure for a form of multiple organic failure. And a reason for Gilbert to live, but curing came first. Just how? The journal and medical record said they had tried everything, at least everything legal.

…Maybe it was time to go black? I'd probably lose my doctors' license.

"Hey honey, I'm home!" the cheerful voice of Antonio interrupted my depressing thought, and I let my head roll back so I could see him (upside down counts) standing in the door. "I brought cake!"

"You're early" I pointed out without actually pointing, but yeah. You know you get it.

"Yeah, I hurried for you, sweetie" he quickly took off his shoes and came over to the couch, leaning in and kissing my forehead. "And they let me go early. Is it okay to sleep over? I'll leave early in the morning, but maybe we can have breakfast together?" His bright smile caused my cheeks to burn and I nodded, not able to look away from the face shining with cheerfulness. Antonio and I had been dating for three years now; he was the one starting our friendship in high school, when he bothered me for a month without leaving me alone until I agreed on being his friend. When he stopped stalking me (let's face it, that was _exactly _what he did) and we hung out more naturally I realized how good of a friend he was. And when he a damn lot of years later confessed, I agreed on going out with him. To be honest I didn't love him in the beginning, but I soon grew to love him, everything about him. How he texted me good night every night, even if we hadn't talked for the entire day, how he almost always brought something, how soft he was to sleep on when the movie we watched and all the hugs he showered me with even if I told him to stop… Yeah, I loved that idiot.

"Sounds good" I mumbled, motioning for him to sit next to me. He kindly accepted it and sat down beside me, making the cushions bob up and down.

He put the plastic bag holding the cake on the table, taking out two paper plates, plastic tools and the cake itself. He really thought about everything when it came to romantic home nights. He carefully cut the cake and gave me the first piece, kissing me as he shoved the plate in my hands. "I love you Lovi" he whispered, his breath tickling my cheek.

"I love you too bastard…"

**Xxx(OwO)xxX**

"Francis wants to serve dinner to us tonight."

I glanced up from the newspaper at Antonio who sat across the table, poking around the cereals in his bowl.

"Define "us"," I said, straightening the paper.

"You, me, Kiku – Mattie loves Kiku – Feli, Luddy and Luddy's cousin if he wants to come. He heard about him and wants him to enjoy himself."

After that he continues talking, but he lost me. Francis knew about Gilbert? Does the whole world know about him or what? It'snot like he's some medical wonder… We just don't know what his sickness is.

"Lovi? Are you okay?"

Antonio waved his hand in front of my eyes, waiting for me to get back to reality. I blinked once, focusing on the brunette looking at me with worried green eyes. He's so different from Gilbert, so full of colors and light. It glows around him, even after a week of long working days and a long night of sex, he glowed with the happiness of living, and the excited glow of positive thinking.

"Y-yeah, yeah… I'm fine, Toni…"

I saw his face light up and I wanted to slap myself. Crap.

"You called me Toni!" He squealed and threw himself around my neck, nuzzling my cheek. "I'm so happy, Lovi!"

"Don't get used to it" I said but didn't try to push him away. Let him have his sweet moment. We're going on an exhausting dinner tonight anyway Might as well load my cuddle bar, next time might be far away.

I wrapped my arms around him and held him close, swiftly brushing my lips down his neck. He answered with kissing my cheek, slowly going lower, kissing down my jaw and chin, continuing with light sucking on my neck. I was completely aware that he'd probably leave a hickey, but right now I didn't care. As long as it was from Antonio, nothing mattered. I was his, and he was mine.

Many thought we lived together, but we didn't. I said I didn't want to live with my boyfriend with my baby brother still living under the same roof. Feli said he was fine, but I refused. I did love Antonio, yes, but I couldn't bring myself to live with him. Once we spent a week together, and I couldn't even stand that. As soon as I had anyone else than Feli that close, for a long time I felt suffocated. The week with Antonio ended with me curled up into a ball, and no one but Feli got me to relax, and it even took him a good forty minutes. After that, we decided we'd only stay together for as long as I wanted to, and when it got hard I'd tell him immediately, and when I got ready, we'd try to move together again. Slow and steady, just like the rest of our relationship. Nice and steady.

Suddenly he pulled away from my neck and I whimpered at the loss of the warm lips against my skin. Antonio smirked and gently touched the bruised skin, kissing my forehead.

"Sorry love, I have to go now. Be a good boy, okay? I'll pick you up at five."

I huffed and crossed my arms over my chest as Antonio laughed and walked away from my flat. I was left alone again, Feli still being over at Ludwig's. Now what? I really didn't want to spend the day alone, but Raivis would kill me if I showed up at work on my day off. What would I get done anyway?

I heard my cell phone beep somewhere in the flat, and not having much of a choice, I stood up to go look for it. It took me half an hour and another two beeps for me the find my phone, crushed between two cushions below a pile of Feli's clothes that for some reason lied on the couch in the living room and NOT WHERE THEY SHOULD BE IN HIS ROOM, CLOSET OR IN THE LAUNDRY.

When I flipped it open I had three new messages. One from Antonio, telling me that he was safely at work and how much he loved me, automatically I replied that it was great and I loved him too. The second was more surprising, it was Ludwig, asking me to talk to his brother. Just like that, "Can you talk to Gilbert?" was the exact contents. I didn't even bother answering. Not worth wasting texts on that. The third was from Feli, a long text telling me that he'd stay until they went to Francis dinner, and Ludwig wanted me to convince Gilbert to come, but oops, I didn't have his number so _here~ _you go, now call. Please? That was what it said. I stared at the number for a while, not bothering answering my brother's text, only staring at the number. I should call. Apparently the whole world wanted me to call, since Francis, Eduardo, Raivis, Ludwig and Feli only continued to get us together. Maybe they thought I didn't have enough friends. I don't want to be friends with him.

I threw my phone back on the couch, and turned to walk away, but I couldn't. Something held me back. Something wanted to hold me back. I turned around and stared at my black touch screen phone, swearing as I picked it up. To my own frustration, I realized I had already memorized Gilbert's number. Sighing I called him, waiting patiently for him to pick up.

"Welcome to my awesome phone, you're talking to the awesome me, what do you want?"

"Hey bastard, up for a coffee?"

**Xxx(OuO)xxX**

"Don't you have any dreams?" I slowly moved the spoon in perfect circles, following the edge of my cup full to the brim of the light brown colored latte. I didn't feel like drinking it. Sped out with milk was that little amount dark liquid, but how much milk you poured over it, the taste always stayed. It was dull, really irritating, and I hated it. I don't know why I drank it, I just knew that the distasteful drink stood in front of me on the dark wooden table, and that was enough reason to take the chance and play with it.

"They all died with my dog" Gilbert answered, taking a sip of his black coffee. Plain, black coffee, made by only coffee beans and some hot water. Gilbert seemed like a cup of coffee. When you looked at it, you couldn't see how deep it was and you didn't know if there was any milk, cream or anything else underneath the surface, you didn't know anything, and the only way to know was to ask or drink it. And since I didn't have anyone to ask, I drank.

"You had a dog?"

"Only for some years" Gilbert put the cup down and glanced out the window, looking at the people walking by. "After my parents threw me out, I got lonely. A friend of mine, whom I shared flat with, said that we should get a dog. So we did, we got this adorable little German shepherd dog, and we named him Schick, short for schicksal, German for destiny. He became my happiness. My life had been grey after I lost my family, I felt useless, empty. Schick filled that hole; he was someone who needed me, someone who was happy just to be near me. He always greeted me with a smile, I was the one taking him out on walks, and I loved him. Whenever I was sad, he curled up in my lap, no matter how big he got, and just laid there letting me pet him until I felt good again. And when I was happy, he was. He knew me, and I knew him. So it broke my heart when he got sick. He wasn't as filled with energy, he couldn't run as fast anymore, and he never greeted me at the door. He was my hero, and heroes never die. The vet said that he would get better, and I decided I wanted to become a vet to save him. I admired the vet that helped him, and he seemed to get better. He ran again, and he seemed happy. So it hit me like a lightning from a blue sky when he died." Gilbert made a pause, took a deep breath and I saw his eyes getting wet as he fought the tears. "One day he didn't come to greet me. One day I didn't hear anymore barking. One day the bowl was filled to the brim, just like in the morning. My roommate came to me and told me to stay calm. I asked him where Schick was, and he asked me to sit. I just obeyed, and he told me that they took him to the hospital. He didn't want to call me since he knew I was on a job interview. He died in surgery. I didn't even get to see him a last time. I didn't get to pet him, kiss him or tell him how much I loved him. As soon as he told me, I fled. I left everything in that flat, I just took my wallet and cell phone and ran away. I couldn't stand the flat where Schick has run around, I couldn't stand the neighborhood where we had gone on walks, I couldn't stand the store where I bought his food, or his toys. So I ran away, even changed country. I haven't heard from my roommate even since, I got a letter, a few months after. Telling me he buried him on the field where we played in the summer, the one with all the flowers we rolled around in and got the spots on the shirt that never got washed away, and we brought the smell with us home. In the end he said he understood, and he wouldn't bother me again since he was the one telling me to get Schick. I never blamed him, but it just got hard, you know? It haven't gone a day without I've thought of him, missed him, wishing I got more time. But I haven't once visited his grave. That would be accepting it. Accepting that he's… dead. I still wish… that one day, he'll come running to me again. Jumping, looking all happy and lick me all over the face. I wish I could roll on that field with him again."

I swallowed hard when he had finished talking. His eyes were covered with a film of tears, and I could see how he fought to hold them back. "…Why are you telling me this?" I asked with a voice as low as a whisper, thick with emotions after a good five minutes in silence. He started laughing, shaky but still a laugh.

"I don't know" still with tears in his eyes, carefully hidden behind a grin he turned to me. "I want someone to know the awesome story of mine, so I can live on through it?"

"But you won't die."

"Dream on, lil doc. That's the only thing one have forever right? Dreams."

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><p><strong>AN ****I cried a bit while writing that... Poor Schick TT_TT Send a review and make me happy~ OwO**


	3. Formal clothes

**A/N This chapter was written with NO INTERNET. Which means I have a whole lot of spelling errors, strange words and even stranger sentances (^^') So please ignore that... It feels a bit rushed this chapter, with no real plot and it seriously feels like just a filler D: And I love to describe clothes~ so yeah c: You can also look forward to a GerIta (with minor Prumano) Valentine's special tomorrow 8D Felt like telling you~ Still rambling! ENJOY~!**

**I DON'T OWN HETALIA.**

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><p><strong>Chapter 3<strong>

**~Formal clothes~**

I was right. The dinner was exhausting. And very much so.

Antonio picked me up at five just like he said, and from there it only got worse.

"You look hot" He eyed me from leather clad toes to my neck, taking in all of the midnight blue smoking, the jacket hanging open and exposing my red shirt with the two top buttons unbuttoned. I fixed the cuffs of my jacket and ran a hand through my hair, making sure it wasn't too much slicked back, still kind of fluffy, before looking up at him. He was dressed in black dress pants and a green striped shirt, that snug around his slim waist.

"Grazie, you too look stunning."

Antonio grinned and wrapped an arm around me and pulled me into a kiss. I let him do it, but pulled away seconds later, afraid it'd wrinkle my clothes.

Francis was an excellent chef; he could cook five star dishes, and was actually famous in Paris. He loved cooking, and since it felt really expensive sitting in his elegant furniture dining room, it felt wrong sitting there in jeans and t-shirt. Francis said we could come in casual clothes, but that didn't make it easier when he casually wore Armani.

"Let's go, I don't want to be late" I said and reached out for him to take my hand. He gladly did, and we headed for his car.

First we drove along the people filled streets to pick up Kiku, Feli's old classmate and BEST FRIEND IN THE WHOLE FUCKING WORLD. Like he'd describe him. The quiet Japanese man dressed in a simple suit greeted us with a nod when climbing into the backseat, waving goodbye to his roommate.

After another ride along the slowly emptying, darkening roads we arrived at Ludwig's house. It was a small two storey house with a small yard where his two German shepherds, Blacky and Friday (named Blacky because well, he was black, and Friday because the German apparently loved Robin Cruise I think Feli said) used to run around. As soon as we stopped the engine the door flew open and Feli bounced down the stairs clad in similar pants as me, a blue shirt and a black vest, followed by Ludwig dressed in the most business-y suit I'd ever seen and Gilbert, dressed in skinny jeans, a loose t-shirt and an open west, accessories like chains and rivets all over his body. Apparently he didn't know about the dress code.

"Oops, looks like we're one seat short. I'll be awesome as usual and let you go instead" Gilbert turned back to the house, but Feli stopped him.

"Don't be silly!" he beamed and threw himself around Ludwig's neck. "If I sit in Luddy's lap, there's room for you! Luddy won't mind!" He smiled up at his boyfriend who nodded and looked at Gilbert.

"Nein, please come with us _vetter._"

Gilbert pouted and buried his hands in the pockets of his jeans, but climbed into the middle seat nevertheless. I glanced back at him in the mirror, watching the red eyes glare at Ludwig who pecked Feli on the lips before seating himself on the last seat, pulling Feli down with him. Gilbert looked jealous, maybe a bit hurt before he noticed my look and grinned into the mirror. I frowned and looked away, suddenly finding the houses swishing past the window _very _interesting.

The ride to Francis fancy top-floor flat was filled with Feli chatting with everyone at the same time. He asked Kiku how he was doing, praising Ludwig for being so nice and asking Antonio if there was any cake left at home. I had to ask him to shut up once, which only held for one minute until he started once again. Gilbert stayed quiet for the whole ride, staring into the air floating in front of him, not reacting to Feli's tries to get him to talk. Somewhere along the ride Antonio turned on the radio, and he and Feli sang along to Kate Perry, sounding all happy and hyper like just the could. I resisted the urge to turn the radio off, because then I'd only have two sad-kicked-puppy faces in mine for the rest of the ride if I did. So there was no real surprise that when we arrived, me, Kiku and Ludwig (still with Feli in his lap) bolted out from the car as fast as we could to get away from the damned radio and the devilish sounds to get on safe grounds. Gilbert couldn't get anywhere, so he stayed put until everyone else was out from it and walking towards the door. He got out as slow as he could, only to put oil on the small fire raging inside me.

"Hurry up you damned snail" I hissed, as we were the only ones left outside. I had gotten the honoring mission of showing the irritating bastard to Francis flat.

Dramatically he put his feet on the ground and stood up in slow-motion. "Why? If I get late enough, maybe I can go home."

"If you want to go home that badly, why did you even come in the first place?"

The red eyes looked at me as if I'm crazy, then he shrugs. "Lutz asked me to."

Without warning he sped up and walked with steady steps in direction of the door to the new-built, modern apartment building. He caught me with surprise, so I had to run to catch up with him when the shock died down. We didn't say anything in the lobby, neither in the elevator, but we were met by high laughter when we got to the top floor and the open door to Francis apartment. Kiku is seated on the floor with a happy Matthew in his arms, Feli dashes between the ones on the floor and the three standing up talking. I immediately took place beside Antonio, getting a smile and feeling an arm wrap around me, showing I'm his. I don't mind at all, I liked that he did that even when we're in public. It made me feel special and worth showing that he was proud of being together with me.

"Wovi" I heard a soft voice call from the ground and felt something tugging my pants. I looked down and noticed Matthew grinning hopefully at me. "Up, Wovi!" I leant down to pick up the giggling toddler, and glared at Antonio.

"Did you tell him to call me Lovi?"

"I don't know what you're talking about, Lovi" he tried to look innocent but failed, smiling instead.

"Stupid bastard" I said.

"Stoopiw bastwad" Matthew repeated, laughing. I couldn't help but smile and nuzzled into his blond hair.

"Aha! Lil doc _can _smile!"

And so it died again. Sigh. "_It's gonna be a long night…_"

**Xxx(OwO)xxX**

Francis food was fabulous as usual. Starting with small sandwiches dipped in garlic sauce, topped with salami and a grape, which everyone ate very quickly, all during satisfied hums. The mood got a lot lighter when the petite sandwiches where all gone, and even I put on a small smile (it only lasted for a tenth of a second, but it counts). Francis had the proudest of smiles plastered on his face as he headed to the kitchen to get the main dish; wine covered beef fillets filled with various fried vegetables, heated together with potato wedges and a small sauce-boat filled with béarnaise sauce to pour over it. I could feel my mouth water, and I was practically drooling all over. Not that anyone could blame me, everybody did. Francis should be happy his dining room wasn't flooded by the time he could place the plates in front of us on the table, everyone staring longingly at the meat. Matthew got his serving first, since he couldn't eat what the adult's was eating, he got a plate with pancakes instead, drenched in maple syrup.

"Can we eat?" Feli was the first to ask, jumping on his seat. Ludwig shot him a glare, telling him he was rude, but Feli ignored him or just simply didn't notice, because he was practically eye-fucking the food lying peacefully on the plates in the middle of the table.

Francis laughed and put a new bottle of wine beside the food, taking his seat once again. "Wait… now."

Immediately, Gilbert and Feli threw themselves over the food, overloading their plates with the delicious food until it couldn't hold more, quickly followed by Antonio and me. As the gourmets we where, we knew how to enjoy good food. Get it fast, eat it with care, and then enjoy the fantastic after tasted that kicked in just when the last bit was swallowed, thanks to Francis amazing cooking skills. I always felt so at peace when sitting in Francis' dining room, after I'd finished my share of the food, feeling a bit tired, but so relaxed and at peace that nothing could disturb me. Except one thing apparently.

"Hey, Frenchie! Is It okay if I smoke in here?" Gilbert called out when we had finished our meal, waiting for the food to lay down so we could fit dessert in our stomachs.

Francis wrinkled his frown, but it was nothing to match the scowl upon my face, and pointed to the glass door connecting the dining room to the balcony.

"Not in here, it'd hurt Mathieu. Go out there if you really have to."

Gilbert smirked, and without answering he stood up from his chair and walked out. I saw the ashen look on Feli's face and the stunned look he gave Ludwig. The bastard little brother only shook his head and stared at his plate. I understood Feli's feelings completely, if I could I'd look the same. I felt a hand on my shoulder, squeezing. I looked up and met Antonio's understanding eyes, he quirked his head in the direction of the balcony, telling me to go. I nodded back, feeling a bit stiff and standing up. Feli's focus suddenly changed from Ludwig to me, and he looked terrified at me.

"I know" I whispered and left the room.

Leaning on the wall, Gilbert looked like he wasn't freezing, sucking the stick between his fingers. He looked at me and grinned when I opened the door, shivering as the cold air hit my skin. I wrapped my arms around myself, glaring at the smoking man. Either he didn't notice or he didn't care, because he looked just as relaxed as if he stood in exactly what he wore now in mid-summer when it wasn't so damned cold, eating ice cream.

"Cold, lil doc?" He smirked and breathed in another lung full of the poisonous smoke from that annoying little stick. "Go inside, I don't need someone to baby sit me when I'm smoking."

"Then stop smoke" I said, trying not to shake in my voice even though my teeth refused to stop moving and interrupting my speaking. "If you do, you'll save both of us the trouble and I could go inside again!"

Gilbert looked at the cigarette in his hand, then at me with tired eyes smiling weakly. "You know it's not that easy, lil doc."

"Stop calling me lil doc!" I snapped; the cold and his fucking smoking getting on my nerves already.

"Then what should I call you?"

"Lovino! That's my name, _REMEMBER? _Or Dr. Vargas. Whatever is fine by me" I said, for some reason blushing at the incredibly stupid comment. I felt a shiver go down my spine at the thought of Gilbert calling my name. And still I couldn't picture it, so I, thought I would never ever in my whole fucking life admit it, was really excited to think he'd call me by my name.

He took his time, taking a few more breaths from the cigarette, staring out over the city and being lost in deep thoughts. "Nah" he said finally and dropped the cigarette on the tiled floor, carefully stomping on it and twisting upon it so it was completely out of fire. "It feels wrong to call the little doctor anything than lil doc."

I frowned, a bit disappointed, and glared at him and he pushed away from the wall and came over to him.

"Don't you agree, lil doc?" He grinned and made his way inside again, not waiting for me to answer, only going in again.

I didn't follow right after, I waited outside for a moment, being fed up with the man's irritating and unpredictable behavior. One moment he could do whatever he felt like, much like the child he was inside, and the other he was all emotional and deep. It was annoying to say the least, to have to be around someone so shifting and emotionally unstable. It was understandably thought, it must be hard know you were on the verge of death, and I didn't for one minute believe he was as ignorant to this as he showed he was. And I planned to get through him. I had to tell myself every day that I didn't care, but I did. I wanted to know more about him, I wanted to know how he felt, what he thought. I wanted to get to know him. Damn it.

Furious and freezing, I turned back inside just in time for dessert. The marvelous pink and mint green ice cream, topped with sparkling sprinkles, put in enormous crystal glasses stood in front of each of our places, looking as sweet and delicious as the rest of the food that had been served earlier that night. Once again Matthew has gotten a smaller portion, the ones who we got was the size of his head, and no way would he ever get that down. I sat down on my place besides Antonio, coming just in time to listen to Ludwig scolding his brother.

"You smell like smoke" he pointed out, frowning.

"Well, duh! I was out smoking!" Gilbert put his elbow on the table, leaning his forehead in his palm. He sighs deeply, making Ludwig frown deeper.

"Are you alright?" he asked and reached out to touch his cousin, but Gilbert slapped his hand away.

"I'm fine! Just a bit dizzy" he sighed a bit lighter this time. He reached out and moved the glass of ice cream closer and taking a spoonful to his mouth.

Antonio gladly followed his example, shoving the pink cream into his mouth, letting out a relieved sigh. "Delicious as usual, Francis!" he exclaimed and swallowed another spoonful.

"Thanks, ami" Francis smiled and nodded for us who hadn't tasted yet. "Go on, try."

Carefully to savor every bit I filled the spoon and lifted it to my face. It never reached my mouth.

_SHLOWS. _

"Gilbert!"

I dropped the spoon and stood up so fast the chair fell over. All of a sudden without any warning Gilbert fell down face first in the ice cream. Thank God for the oversized portion, or his face would be full of glass splitter now. The glass held, but he still lay with his faced buried in ice cream. Ludwig was the first one to reach his cousin, shaking his shoulders trying to wake him up.

"Clear the way" I said automatically, without thinking I slipped into doctor mode – the one thing saving me from going nuts on work – and made my way to Gilbert, pulling his face out of the ice cream, searching for his pulse. Please don't let him be dead, please don't let him be dead – THERE.

"Call the ambulance, we need to get him to the hospital" I order to someone, concentration on the man in front of me. _Please Gilbert, don't give up now._

**Xxx(OxO)xxX**

"Low blood pressure" Raivis said and slammed the report down on my desk, prompting me to read it. "Do you know if he's been sleeping alright?"

"How should I know" I muttered and eyed through the report. Nothing out of ordinary, he seemed rather healthy according to the file.

"You seem to have good contact with him" Raivis answered, sitting upon my desk, throwing one leg over the other, leaning back. "More than you should with a patient."

"I'm trying to save his life, I have to" I said and threw the report back to him. "It's not like I want to."

"Then why do it?"

"Why keep asking? It's my business and you have nothing to do with it!" I snapped, wanting to push the pushy blonde off my desk and stomp on him. But I was an mature adult, and really didn't have time for this. "Where is he now?"

"On his way home. As soon as he woke up he demanded to get home. He struggled for a while, and because he was rather stable we let him go."

"Idiots" I let out a frustrated groan and buried my face in my hands. "Fuck. We have to be the worst hospital in the world, or he's the most irritating patient _ever._"

"I vote for the second option."

"Didn't ask for your opinion," I threw myself back in my chair, letting out one more groan. "I suck."

"Nah, you're just really useless sometimes."

"Still not asking for your opinion!"


	4. Fire

**A/N This chapter is a bit weird (^^') It get's better than the beginning, and if it's kinda slow I can understand I guess... but the end's good and important, so READ! And ENJOY of course x'D That's all I've got to say really~ ENJOY CHAPTER 4!**

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><p><strong>Chapter 4<strong>

**~Fire~**

Books. I was surrounded by them. They were everywhere; on the kitchen table, in the living room, in my room, a few in Feliciano's room, a damn lot in my study and a smaller library in my office at work. I read all the time, scanning page after page for something that could cure Gilbert. Something that could help me. I had lost a month, a month of useless days off and more important and rushed cases than Gilbert. And in my free time I read. Internet pages, medical books, science books, even magazines. I swallowed everything; it was rare not to see me with a book stuck right underneath my nose these days. And it made everyone worry.

"Lovi, what are all the books doing here?" Antonio asked as he stepped over a pile of book in the doorway to the living room.

"I'm reading them bastard, what does it look like?"

Antonio kept quiet for a while, watching me as I returned to the book I was reading, losing myself in the world of words.

"Don't you think you're working too hard?" He asked as he sat down, carefully took the book away from me. "What are you trying to do?"

"Saving someone's life" I answered bluntly, fingers itching to grab the book again.

"Don't you always? You need a vacation! Somewhere sunny! Like Spain, or Hawaii! We could go surfing, mountain climbing, walking along the beach, watching the sunset!" As usual he kept on talking, but I didn't care. I would never leave a case behind, not right now, not like this.

"Thanks for the offer," I said and picked up the book again. Antonio slammed it out of my hands.

"Seriously, Lovi. Think about it. You can't work yourself to death, think about Feli! And everyone's worried about you." He leant forward and kissed my cheek. "Think about it."

I nodded and he left. Skiing would be nice.

**Xxx(OwO)xxX**

"Skiing? Lovi, I've never stood on a pair of skis!" Feli whined and stopped stirring the pasta.

"You've stood on a snowboard" I frowned and jumped up on the counter, taking the task of stirring from him. "You where a pretty good snowboarder."

"That was years ago!" he proceeded with taking out the plates from a cupboard, setting the table for two. No one was coming over that night; that night we ate without our boyfriends. That actually happened, believe it or not. "I don't know if I could make it now."

"I'm sure that after a few trips down the children's slope, you'll be fine" I said, spinning some pasta around the fork, taking to my mouth to taste. Perfect, just like all the pasta Feli does. "I haven't either, you know."

"Would you be fine, Lovi?" Suddenly stopping, Feli turned to look at me with worried eyes. "You know-"

"Don't." I refused to look at him, twirling more pasta around the fork, looking at it spinning around itself. "I'll be fine, I promise. Antonio said I needed to relax, you should be happy I'm taking time off."

"Not if it's for going to the mountains." Feli just didn't give up. He could be awfully stubborn when he wanted to, most often when it came to me. "Seriously Lovi, I'm worried about you!"

"Then stop!" I jumped off the counter, glaring at my little brother who for once didn't whine, saying sorry and hugging me. Sure that he shook, and clenched his hands so hard his knuckles turned white. "Stop worrying! I'm fine! I'll be fine! Just stop worrying! I don't need you to worry about me! I'm grown up now, it won't happen anymore! It's over! I won't-"

I couldn't bring myself to say it. I just couldn't. I felt tears filling my eyes, frustrated tears; I couldn't bring myself to move enough to wipe them away. I couldn't move. I was frozen to the spot, not able to move, only to keep the tears and thoughts away.

Slowly, Feli moved closer until he could wrap his arms around me and hugged me tightly. "Sorry. I'm sorry Lovi; of course you'll be fine. I'm sorry I doubted you, Lovi. Forget it, okay? I'm sorry."

I nodded into his shoulder, letting relieved tears fall down my cheeks. It'd be okay. _Just like usual, it'd be fine. I'll be fine. As long as I have Feli I'll be fine. _

I'll be fine.

**Xxx(OwO)xxX**

Snow. Two weeks later I found myself surrounded by snow. White, pure snow. On the treetops, on the ground, on the houses, on my snowboard and in all of our hair.

"Snow! Look at all the snow!" Antonio cried and threw his arms out. "It's so beautiful!"

"Just plain snow" I growled and rolled my eyes at him and Feli who cheered, they would be dancing if it hadn't been for the ski gear they wore making them rather inflexible.

"But the snow is awesome! Without snow, you can't see me go all awesome and cool on my snowboard!"

Oh yeah. Gilbert came too.

Me, Feliciano, Antonio, Ludwig and Gilbert. Because Ludwig never wanted to leave Gilbert. So in the end the five of us went skiing. And I didn't like it at all. But what could I do? Nothing. So I just had to shut up and let them come with us.

"Snowboards are dangerous" Ludwig said, standing steady on his skis.

"Come on, West! Snowboards are cool!" Gilbert grinned and put his hands on his hips in a try to look cool. He failed.

"Nah, I prefer skis" Antonio smiled and tapped the tips of his poles in the ground. "I feel closer to the ground on skis!"

"You're crazy" I mumbled, resisting the urge to roll my eyes again. Antonio simple laughed and went over to me, aiming for my mouth, but kissed the corner of it instead.

"Crazy about you" he grinned, making me blush. I puffed up my cheeks and loosened the buckles keeping my feet on the snowboard, pulling my right foot off it and kicking away towards the ski lift. The others had no other choice but to follow me, Gilbert and Feli also on snowboards, Antonio and Ludwig on skis. I was already at the hop-on, ready to get on the lift, with Gilbert unfortunately on my side, when I heard loud cries from my brother.

"Wah! Wait! My snowboard is stuck!"

I just had the time to turn around and see my brother in Ludwig's arms, apparently being held up, and Antonio who as quickly as he could, moved over to them.

"Feli! What the-" I tried to turn, but got stopped by Gilbert who reached out and arm and looked down at me, or rather his goggles looked down at me, because I they where reflexive so I couldn't see his eyes.

"Don't, you'll never make it" he said, and when the words had left his mouth, the lift came and drove into the back of our knees, making us sit down and the bar who trapped us to the seats. Desperate, I looked back at the three we left behind in the line. Antonio saw me and waved with a ski pole, yelling "See you on the top!" which I could only nod at and turn back. A ten minutes trip in the ski lift together with Gilbert, who…. Uncharacteristic of him, hadn't said anything during the beginning, which was strange since he rarely shut up.

"Are you okay?" I asked him, straightening a bit in my seat.

"Yeah, just hurts a bit you know" he said softly, almost whispering.

"You need to tell me if it hurts, I _am _your doctor."

"I thought you didn't want to think about work on your vacation?"

"I can't take a vacation from your case; the sickness never takes a vacation."

His lips twitched upwards in a small smile, but it didn't last for long. We went silent as the lift went higher, in the slowest pace it could. When I was about to die of boredom and the damned lift from Snailville just could go any _slower, _it _STOPPED. _

Great. Just… great. Stuck in a ski lift with Gilbert. Grrrrrrrrreat.

"We stopped" he said with surprise, just as if I didn't notice.

"No shit" I muttered and rolled my eyes. "Did you figure that one out yourself?"

He shrugged an unintentionally made the seat swing back and forth. I let out a yelp and gripped the bar tightly, holding on as if my life depended on it. I've always hated lifts, it always feels like it'll break, the (vajrar) will snap and I'll fall handless down on the ground and get crushed against the stones. And when t swings just doesn't make it better. When my vision can focus again instead of darting everywhere just to make sure we're still hanging up, I feel someone gripping my arm, and the pain becomes aware. From the large hand gripping my arm heat pulse out, it's not a pleasurable heat and it feels like it is consuming me, eating me up from the inside and taking over all of my senses. No, not again, not now. I'm supposed to relax, not get another episode. Shit shit shit.

"Don't touch me!" I cried and shook him off. "I-I can hold my balance!" I cursed myself for stuttering, and hoped he didn't notice. No normal person would stutter to say a simple thing like that.

"Right, sorry."

I raise a brow at him, momentarily forgetting about the height and my fear, for eyeing him in suspicion. He's really off today, like his mind is elsewhere. He did say it hurt…

"Are you okay? Sorry for yelling… I don't like heights." I tried, nervously fingering with my gloves.

"That's fine, I'm not familiar with heights either" Gilbert spoke, still soft. It made shivers walk up my spine, the bad sort.

"What are you thinking about, bastard?" I whispered, I didn't trust my voce enough to raise it.

"I love skiing" Gilbert grinned without looking at me, and I could tell it was fake. "I like that I could come here with you guys, so you could remember me by something."

"You liar" I whispered and took off my gloves. "I don't trust you mouth, show me your eyes." With shaking fingers I removed the goggles with reflexive glass and saw his ruby eyes, shining with tears. His cheekbones were wet, and the hurt and sadness matched the hurt I usually felt when I was scared…

"I'm scared lil doc…" He whispered as a tear fell down his cheek. I reached out a shaky hand to wipe it away.

"We're on vacation, you should be happy." I didn't want him to cry. Strong, douche bag Gilbert who always grinned and did whatever he wanted. I didn't know why, but I couldn't stand seeing him cry. The tears didn't fit on his cheeks. It broke my heart to see him like that. To actually see him cry. I didn't want that, I wanted to save his smile. He wouldn't have to cry because of that… Because I'll save him. I'll spend my whole life finding a cure if I need too. Because I'll save him. But why-

"Why aren't you happy, Lovi?"

I froze in my movements, just like my mind. I knew, yes. But I didn't dare think it. I didn't want to think it. I had thought about it many times, all of them ended up on the ground, screaming and screaming until my throat went sore.

Before I could answer, if I ever would answer, the lift started again and took us up to where we could glide away. Gilbert replaced the goggles over his eyes, hiding that he had been crying, and kicked off before me. If it wasn't for the happy screams of Antonio and my brother as they finally saw us over the edge I would have stayed put on the seat.

When they came to us, I immediately found myself in Feliciano's arms as he told me how _awful _and _terrifying _it had been when his snowboard got stuck, and then how it got even worse as he didn't saw me anymore. Fucking HORRIBLE! But I didn't listen. I had lost myself deep in my own mind, trying to keep shit out and keep sane, Gilbert's words echoing against the walls of my brain, jumping back and forth, being on a constant repeat.

_Why aren't you happy, Lovi? _

Because I can't be.

**Xxx(OxO)xxX**

"Here's some hot cocoa" Antonio said and placed the steaming cup in front of me.

"Thanks" I said and quickly wrapped my fingers around the hot porcelain. We had been skiing/snowboarding the whole morning, and an hour ago it had started snowing, and now It was a fucking storm. Damned wind making me hands and feet go all cold.

"You know, if you're freezing, I could warm you up" Antonio offered, a big grin plastered on his face. He scooted a bit closer, and in return I scooted away.

"Thanks, but I'm fine. Already starting to warm up" I muttered and took a first sip from the cup, burning my tongue. I frowned and stuck it out, trying to blow it on my own but failing, only looking like a dog in the process. Stupid hot chocolate.

"Look mommy! A fireplace!"

I resisted the urge to look at the kid, probably a girl, who had found the fireplace in the other end of the room, happily showing the find for her mother.

"I see, darling. The fire is beautiful, isn't it?"

I didn't want to hear, I turned back to my company, just in time to hear Feli go on about how bad the pasta they served in the small restaurant was.

"-I mean, they can't have boiled it properly! It has this really weird temperature, and half of them aren't ready! I mean, here, Luddy taste, it tastes bad!"

"I think it tastes perfectly normal-"

"But that's _your _normal! If they can't make pasta, they shouldn't! It's a waste of good pasta!" Feli pouted and shoved another forkful into his mouth.

"Then why keep eating?" I asked, hiding a small smirk.

"I've paid!"

"I paid-"

"Can I have some, Feli?" Gilbert interrupted his cousin by leaning over the table, coming mare centimeters from Feli who smiles and redirected the fork to Gilbert's mouth instead. The albino took it in his mouth, pulling the pasta off by using his teeth, then carefully chewing, tasting everything.

"You're right, it tastes a bit off!"

"Aha! Told you!" Feli looked triumphant, like he just won some big argument, not just a stupid debate about pasta. "Is _is _off!" And he took another forkful of it.

I sighed deeply, resisting the urge to slam my face onto the table. He was so STUPID sometimes! But guess that's why I love him. That dense little brother of mine.

"I need to go to the bathroom… Luddy, can you come? I don't have any balance in these shoes!" Feli whined, yeah, forgot he has the mind of a five-year-old.

Ludwig sighed, and stood up. Smiling he reached out a hand to his boyfriend to take. "Right, come on then."

Feli fired the biggest grin of his lifetime when he grabs the hand and kissed the blonde's cheek. "Yes!"

As they bounced, Feli bounced and Ludwig tried to keep up, off Antonio too, stood up. "You want something to eat? I'll have a cookie or something."

"A cinnamon roll!" Gilbert said quickly, and Antonio obviously not meaning him glared at him.

"Lovi?" In a try to remain calm he turned to me, hoping to get something good so he could run off to buy something.

"Um… a cookie?" I tried, smiling nervously at him. It was quite easy getting him to light up. He did, a bright smile forming on his face.

"Okay! See you in a sec!" And so he, too, bounced off.

I sighed and wrapped my fingers around the cup once more; trying to get some heat into my cold body, but something told me the coffee couldn't do anything against it.

"How do you stand them?" Gilbert asked, sighed he too. "They're so…."

"Energetic?" I helped, once again the voice of the little girl reaching my ears. "You get used to it."

"Look mommy! It's eating the wood! It's glows!"

Without thinking, my head turns her way, but once it's positioned, I look past the girl, into the fire. The red, yellow and blue flames licking the wood, making it smaller, blacker, eating it up and killing it. Stopping the oxygen from getting to the wood, licking and touching, moving over and cover it all. Just like they did then… licking the people, hurting them, travelling up the walls, eating it all, killing it. Destroying. The red filled my sight until I could see nothing more than red flames and black hands, reaching for me in different stages of burning. Different states of dying. Only minutes later, they'd all be gone, be dead. The hands gripping after me would still, not moving. Die.

"Lovi?" A hand, touching my shoulder lightly, was making the burning ice inside me worse. The mare touch of something made me remember, the pressure, the hand, it all came flooding back and I snapped my eyes open. Red flames everywhere.

I screamed. I couldn't stop the sound from escaping over my lips. The whole restaurant jolted and turned to me, but I didn't see them. In my world I was surrounded by flames. I curled up on the chair, still screaming, hands over my ears and eyes shut closed. Trying my hardest to keep it away. The flames, the heat, the sounds, the hands gripping after me.

"Lovi!" Antonio came rushing over, holding his arms out.

"Don't touch me!" I cried, eyes widening once again, now only to see Antonio standing in the flames, looking at me with panic in his eyes. "Don't touch me!"

"But Lovi-"

"Feli, get Feli. Feli!" I felt the tears running down my cheeks; I didn't care to wipe them off. They were too many, and I didn't want to see. I shut my eyes again, desperate trying to find some safety, something that could pull me back to reality. Away from the burning fingerprints and killing flames, away from my imagination, from myself. "FELI!"

"Lovi!" I heard the soft steps as my brother made it through the crowd, elbowing his way to me. I opened my eyes only to see the flames once again, now surrounding my brother. I pressed my hands harder against my ears, now hearing them scream. "Lovi, Lovi I'm here. I-it's gonna be alright, okay? There's nothing here! You're fine Lovi! I'm here." The soft voice as my brother spoke familiar words finally made the flames slowly fade away, the arms wrapped around my shaking body calmed me, cooled me down. The soft rocks Feli made me do make me feel like a child, but I didn't mind.

"You're safe now Lovi. It's fine."

"Don't leave me" I whisper, looking up one last time at him, and he smiles. My gaze travel across the room, not focusing on anything, until I see white hair. Ruby eyes. Not red like the flames, gentler, worried red. I don't like that look on him. I close my eyes, turning my face to Feliciano's chest before everything went black.

"_Never."_

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><p><strong>AN Yes, I'm currently on a skiing vacation 8D or something, that's why the obsession in snow and stuff~ Tomorrow I'll go snowboarding, wish me luck! And please review, so I can have something fun and inspiring to read when I get home again! w Thank you, oh kind readers~**


	5. Cozy bed

**A/N Just wanna say thanks to EmmtheMuggle for helping me brainstorm and letting me discuss this fic with myself with her listening xD It has helped my a lot and stuff~ I'm really happy for all the favorites and story alerts this fic has got QwQ Thanks guys~ I hope you like the rest of it~ Anyway, fast update is fast, short chapter is short xD Hope you enjoy chapter 5!**

**I DON'T OWN HETALIA.**

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><p><strong>Chapter 5<strong>

**~Cozy bed~**

"Feli, do you know what happened to lil doc?"

I groaned and turned to my side, pulling up the cover to my chin. When did I get in bed? I didn't really care, it was warm, but not even the cover could block out the voices. What did I expect, really? I thin layer of fabric was supposed to keep them away. Apparently the laws of physic didn't feel like making an exception for me.

"I don't know if Lovi wants me to tell you…"

_Oh, believe me. I don't._

"Feli, I beg you." _That's a new one. _"I want to know what's happening, Antonio know, Ludwig know, why can't I?"

I groan again, not loud enough for them to hear, but loud enough to make me satisfied. I've shown my disapproval, even if it's only for me. Of course I know what happened; it's just that I don't like to think about it. Every time I remember, I end up like before. I don't want to remember, so I push it away. Maybe if Feli tells it, it won't be so bad… I don't want to tell Gilbert myself, I didn't think I'd ever tell him. No, I don't want him to know yet.

"Feli…" I said; voice raspy and throat sore, surprised with how it hurts to speak. I watch over my shoulder and saw my brother jump, turning to me with small tears in his eyes.

"Lovi!" He cried and rushed over to the bed. I can't prepare myself enough for when he jumps me and pulls me into a bone-crushing hug. "Lovi! You're awake! I'm so happy! I thought you'd sleep over lunch!"

"How long has I been sleeping?" I managed to choke out and finally made him loosen his grip a bit so I could finally breathe again.

"Twenty hours I think… Antonio carried you here, and we all followed." Feli let me go and sat down on the bed, letting me sit up too.

"Where's the tomato loving bastard now?" I frowned and crossed my arms over my chest. I would never admit I just wanted a hug then, someone who loved me and made me feel safe. Feli was enough, but I didn't want him now. I wanted my boyfriend, my beloved boyfriend who could take away all fears and confuses. I just hoped he'd solve the hurricane in my head now too.

"He's getting us some food, should I call him and tell him you're awake?" Feliciano asked and slowly, jumping on his knees to the edge of the bed, looking just like a frog with a broken leg,

"Yeah… And tell him to buy food to me too, I'm starving!" I pouted and threw myself back against the pillows. "And tell him to hurry damn it…"

"Yes~!" Feli finally jumped off the bed and runs off to get his cell phone. "Oh!" just a second after he's disappeared out the door his face popped in the doorway again. "Just stay there, okay? Rest or something, don't move until I come back!"

I snort as an answer, telling him I won't move, getting a smile before he disappears again. I snuggle against the softness behind my back, pulling the covers up again. I didn't plan on moving at least, it was too cozy sitting in the bed, being served like a price or some other rich person. I reached out for the book I knew lay on the night stand, only to find myself grasping the air. Someone had removed my book, damned Antonio…

I cursed and crossed my arms over my chest again. Not only unwilling to move, bored also! Damned cozy bed.

"Hey, lil doc!" Gilbert came into the room, jumping down on the edge of the bed, making it jump, and me grasp the mattress in pure panic. No bed should be able to jump that much! "Are you up and shiny? Or whatever they say, anyway you're up!"

"And you make me wanna go back to bed, you fucking peace killer" I mutter and sink further into the pillow, wanting to melt into them. "Can't you just let me rest?"

"No can do" He raises a finger and wiggles it in front of my face. "'Cause I want to know something, doc."

I frown, think about whether I should let him ask or not, it's Gilbert, and he had a point in that he was the only one who didn't know anything. I had told Antonio, partly because he saw and partly because he's my boyfriend, Feli knew, Feli knew everything about me, and he told Ludwig so the German bodybuilder-or-something could know why Feli didn't show up sometimes when I had my episodes. Feli had his own episodes, and that needed its explanation too. God, that was complicated. Anyway, I didn't want to tell him. Not just yet, not ever. He didn't need to know, and I would never let a stranger get that deep in my mind. It took years for me to trust people, it took months for Antonio to even became one I had willingly in my personal space (with a range of five meters), and a damned lot of nagging from his side. I felt weird with Gilbert… after he told m about his dog, I felt like I could trust him. He didn't know shit, but he still understood. He told me stuff I think he'd never tell anyone. He made me feel… special, trusted. Someone worth laying all of your hope on. He made me feel useful. And I trust him.

"What?" I asked, still putting up the act that I didn't trust him.

He stayed silent for a minute, simply watching my puffed up cheeks, furrowed brows and pouting lips. If it was anything like normal, he'd be smirking now, but he didn't. His face stayed emotionless as his red, fiery eyes made contact with my own hazel ones.

"What happened to you?"

Even though I knew he'd ask, but I still felt myself freeze at the thought of it. I didn't want to think about it, a lot less tell him.

"Nothing" I answered automatically.

"You liar" he used my own words against me, clever. But I wouldn't tell him even if he did that. "I know there's something."

"I don't want to tell you alright!" I snapped, already fed up with it. Couldn't he just understand that I didn't want to talk about it? "You don't need to know _anything _about me except that I'm a doctor and I have a brother and boyfriend! Now _leave me alone!" _I almost threw a pillow at him in pure frustration as he stood up, once again making the bed move unnaturally and stomping off. I pissed him off? _GOOD. _That'll teach him to leave me alone! I did throw the pillow, I threw it after him but he disappeared around the corner before the soft bag filled with feathers reached him, instead it hit Antonio who came into my room with food in his hands.

"Hey! I see you're energetic! What's the pillow for? I brought you food" Antonio said, kicking the pillow up and away as he walked to me balancing the food in his hands. He put the two boxes on my bed, kissing my forehead, his lips briefly touching my skin, quickly pulling away like it burned.

"Why'd you do that for?" I mumbled as I reached for one of the boxes. Chicken bits and French fries, oh God I needed that.

"Did what?" Antonio asked as he sat down at my feet, placing his own box in his lap. I sighed at him and put the box away. It'll have to wait for later.

"If you're gonna kiss me, do it properly" I said and glared at him, getting him confused as usual before he grinned.

"Sorry" he put his box down again and leaned over the bed, gently pressing his lips against mine. I wrapped my arms around his neck, holding him closer, making him crawl over me to get a better position. "I didn't think you where okay with touching yet, Lovi…" he mumbles as we pulled apart, blowing at a lock of hair that'd fallen out of place and over my forehead playfully.

"Idiot, you never care about that…" I pouted and pecked his lips again, tasting the sweetness that always lingered around him.

"Though I'd do this time" he murmured against my lips, straddling my thighs. "You know, be the considering boyfriend and all."

"Just shut up and kiss me, will you?"

"But Lovi, the food-"

I rolled my eyes and locked his lips against mine once again. He talked too much. _Way _too much. I liked him a little bit better when he just shut up and kissed me, or cuddled me when we watched a movie. Antonio was like a poster, you read it even if you didn't want too. He was so easy to read it was ridiculous some times. I didn't get how I put up with it sometimes, but I did. He was so uncomplicated and cheerful. Just what I needed. Easygoing, wonderful Antonio.

"We'll take it later. Right now, I wanna focus on you…"

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><p><strong>AN Reviews are appriciated~ I want critics if you have some, or just something to think on xD Let my brain go to work here~ **


	6. First piece

**A/N Uhm... short chapter is short... sama chapter is strange? (^^') Still don't know shit about medical stuff, mind you. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaanyway, ENJOY CHAPTER 6~ (And yeah, I've been watching Pewdiepie the whole night, so I'm totally freaked out when writing the last part, and I just felt this weird feeling in my arm, so I guess this pose is no good QwQ Damn...)**

**I DON'T OWN HETALIA.**

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><p><strong>Chapter 6<strong>

**~First piece~**

The next morning I decided to take an early morning walk, before anyone woke up to make breakfast. Feli would throw a small fit that I should stay in bed; Antonio would freak and push me down on the bed, or insist on coming. Ludwig probably wouldn't stop me, but it'd be awkward. And Gilbert wouldn't dream on getting up before ten, so I didn't worry about him. I actually managed to rise before everyone else, and before my brain could interfere I put on warm clothes, wrapped myself in my coat and put on my boots on to start my walk.

It was a calm morning, no hard wind, no snow falling, and no one outside. The sun was just about to climb higher up the sky in the horizon, making the snow shine light orange. For some reason the lift was on, but no one was in the slopes so I didn't care. I focused on breathing, feeling calmer than the days before and filling myself with new life with every breath.

I could hear birds, chirping their special melodies. I sometimes wondered what the birds spoke about. Where they just like humans, telling each other; "Oh look at my child, he's so big, and can fly on his own now!" or where they could find food; "Hey! There's a place filled with worms over there! Come!". They sounded cheerful at least.

When my gaze travelled up the mountain I saw a familiar figure coming down on a snowboard.

What the-

GILBERT?

Oh yeah, it was him. Coming down in high speed so early in the morning was the laziest of us. GILBERT.

I couldn't believe my eyes as he quickly came at me, apparently he'd noticed me. He made a stylish stop and grinning he removed the goggles. "You're up early," he said.

"You're one to talk" I snorted and wrapped my arms around myself. "What are you doing up?"

"Felt like moving" Gilbert shrugged and his grin softened to a smile. "Bet you know what I mean."

Of course I did. Always when I had felt down, or had an episode I felt like moving. It was a way to get it out of my system, to push my body and feel the blood rush through my veins. Make sure I lived. I may be a doctor, but I'm still a human. I know everything about the human body, but I still need to make sure it's _there _sometimes. I heard about people who cut themselves, but I could never risk Feli finding me covered in blood. He'd never make it. So, I went with the other option; I moved. I mostly ran, meter after meter, feeling the asphalt underneath my feet, until I couldn't stand on my own two feet anymore. Then I called Antonio or Feli to pick me up, and it went back to normal. Other times I did something else, roller-skates, skateboarding, snowboarding, or in this case walking. So you could say I understood very much what he meant.

"But how can you do that if it hurts?" I couldn't help asking.

"I'm used to it by now, learnt how to live with it," he answered and looked out over the snow covered ski resort.

"How long?" I asked, sure he knew what I meant.

"Dunno really" Gilbert said again, still not looking back. "They found it half a year ago, but it hurt a long time before that. Three, four years maybe?" He looked back at me after a few long minutes in silence. " Long enough to learn how to deal with it."

I wanted to ask how, but it seemed too personal, and the red eyes didn't make it easier, so I simply looked away. Hoping that when I had watched myself full with the beautiful view and back at Gilbert, the look in his eyes that had looked right through me were gone.

When I finally turned back, he was gone. I looked around and found him in the lift, going for another round.

I sighed. It's his choice, really. Stubborn bastard. I couldn't help admire him

**Xxx(OuO)xxX**

"I want to run a few tests on you" I said and flipped through the journal. It had been a few days since we returned home, and the weekly check-ups had become a routine for both me and Gilbert. "It seems they've never done a blood, bone marrow, or your liver function test. So we'll do them all now. Okay?"

"Whatever you say, lil doc" Gilbert said with a voice telling me he didn't care. He looked like a child where he sat on the bed, one hand on each side of him, dangling with his legs. "You're the boss."

I glanced up at him to see his reaction, but he just sat there, looking incredibly bored or just… neutral.

"You won't find anything, you know" he said finally jumping off the bed. "They have tried, but never found anything so they quit. The only thing they haven't done is an x-ray."

I looked at him, he still looked bored, but his eyes said differently. He begged me, asking for help, pleading for me to find something that could both tell us it wasn't over.

"Then let's do that" I said and immediately went to book the X-ray machine. As I flipped through the papers and walked with determined steps out from the examiner room I almost didn't catch the last few words Gilbert whispered.

"_Thank you, Lovino."_

**Xxx(OwO)xxX**

I sighed deeply and pulled my legs under myself where I sat in the couch.

I both loved and hated when the kid Feli babysat where over at ours. It was fine since it seemed to get Feli in a good mood, and he was smiling so cheerfully and pure that I couldn't bear myself to refuse him that. But both of them had the attention spans of five-year-olds, so they left the apartment a _bombsight. _Small devilish building blocks all over, even smaller and more devilish toy cars in the kitchen, planes, trucks and various bigger toys in the living room, and they were just crawling on the floor, building a train track, starting in Feliciano's room, a bit inside mine, over to the kitchen, in my study and kneeling they where surrounding the couch where I sat, checking Gilbert's results and X-rays.

I tried my best not to yell at them as they seemed happier than ever.

"Feli, just what are you doing?" I asked as I was disturbed by a loud crash for the hundred time that day.

"Ve! We're building a town!" He beamed at me, Peter crawling over his legs to reach another piece of crap.

"I can't see that. All I can see is _a fucking mess." _

Feli pouted and pressed his hands against Peter's ears. "Not in front of the kids!"

"Oh sorry" I put on my most dramatic face and removed Feliciano's hands from Peter. "_Fucking"._

The five-year-old giggles, amused beyond imagination, and repeated the newfound word in his children's speak.

"Lovi!" Feli looked terrified and turned to me. "What'll his father say? I'll get fired!"

"You're the best in the branch, I doubt that" I said and spread the papers over the table further. I watched a picture over Gilbert's lungs and heart, and something seemed off about it, I just couldn't figure it out.

"Is that ice-cream?" Peter asked and pointed at a white area in Gilbert's left lung. "It looks like ice-cream, I want ice-cream!"

"I'll get you some; don't disturb Lovi while he's working!"

I hardly noticed them leaving the room; I only stared at the white area Peter had pointed out. I hadn't noticed it, it was so small. I looked closer and realized it was not a tumor. _What the…_

I jerked up from the bent-over position I had been in, and felt a laugh bubble up my throat. I (Peter) had found something! Even if it was small, it was a start! I had a clue on where to begin!

"Peter, you're a genius!" I exclaimed and ran into the kitchen, picking the kid up to shower him with hugs and kisses, much to his protest.

"What?" Feli asked, unable to hide the tone of hope in his voice.

"I found somewhere to start! I have a clue! And Peter found it!" I kissed the boy's cheek and the blond couldn't help but giggle. "I know where to begin, Feli! Go buy candy to him, he deserves it!"

At the word candy the kid lit up, clapping his hands. I grinned at him, not able to stop. I could make it, I could figure it out, and I found the first puzzle pieces. I was really gonna save Gilbert.

**Xxx(OwO)xxX**

A few tiring hours of cleaning our two-story apartment, Feli and I sat exhausted in the couch, staring blankly at the TV. I was still happy though; I couldn't help but feel hopeful and excited to what would happen next, what I'd find. It felt like it did in the beginning of my career; I wanted to figure it out, I wanted to find the solution more than anything and I just wanted to get going, never taking a break. I was a workaholic by heart, wanting to help people, but it had slowed down after I got replaced. I still wanted to help the kids, but their cases weren't always as mind-blowing and challenging like the cases in the ER.

I almost floated on clouds, way up in the sky among rainbows and sparkling stars when Feli jerked me back to the earth.

"I think I'm gonna quit my job." I jerked and stared at him, eyes wider than plates and using all my strength to keep my chin up. Feli looked at me, unlike him, with a serious face. "And get another. One that pays more."

"But… why? You love kids!" I exclaimed, getting upset. If he really considered leaving all the annoying, snot-covered kids that he loved almost as his own, it got to be serious. He laughed humorless and looked at me again, this time a bit sad.

"But it doesn't pay. And I can't just live on my brother, his boyfriend and my own boyfriend's money for the rest of my life. I wanna move out Lovi, I wanna move together with Ludwig. I know that you won't like it, but it don't have to happen now. _Someday, _I wanna see the world. And for that I need money." he looked at me pleadingly, begging for understanding. "I love you Lovi, and I don't want to leave you. But I also love Ludwig, and I want to be on my own… Please understand?"

I understood, I understood completely. Even though I couldn't see a future without my little brother living under the same roof as me, I could understand that he wanted to move out and work. I got paid kinda nicely, but it couldn't be fun to never have any money on your own or never being able to pay back.

"Yeah… but think you can do it?" I asked with voice filled with concern. He was my baby brother, my only family, and I merely cared. He was kind of a weakling, but could manage if he tried. He lit up as I asked and nodded his head in excitement.

"Yes! I know I can! And I'm gonna prove it to you! By the time of my birthday, I'll have a new job, okay? A job that pays kinda well, too!" He grinned at me, and I couldn't help but grin back.

"That's two and a half months away, Feli. Isn't that a little short?"

"Nope! I'm gonna fix it, believe me!" He punched his chest in a try to look manly, failing horribly and looking like a kid again. I laughed at him, pulling him into a hug.

"I believe in you Feli, I'm sure you can do it" I said, giving him a rare smile.

"Grazie, Lovi~" My little brother answering, smiling his usual cheerful smile at me. "It means a lot! By the time of my birthday, I'll make you proud over having me as your baby brother!"

We could never have guessed we were so wrong.

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><p><strong>AN Please review, tell me what I do bad, what I do good and so on, it'll make me happy and the feeling that someone looks at me from behind go away QwQ**

**Thanks for reading!**


	7. Progress

**A/N Another one of those really strange, short chapters D: What am I doing wrong? Anyway, next will be reaaaaaaaally long, 'cause I'll press in the whole birthday into one chapter 8D And I'm planning stuff~ Kesese~ I made sound Gilbert kind of like a whore this time (^^') But he's not, and you know it. He was... merely experimenting with stuff... Yeah. It's not much outside Lovi and Gil, and not much information either, but I hope you like it anyway. Enjoy chapter seven~**

**I DON'T OWN HETALIA.**

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><p><strong>Chapter 7<strong>

**~Progress~**

I quickly made my way through the lively corridors of the hospital. I met several doctors who greeted me, and I hastily greeted back, not really focusing on who it was, or what they looked like.

"Doctor Vargas!" A familiar voice was heard far back, but I ignored him. "Vargas!"

Nope, still ignoring the voice of my co-worker, I tried to lose him by taking an unexpected turn to an especially crowded corridor, heading towards the elevators. _Oh please let me make it. _I reached the elevator and slipped inside, peering out in the corridor seeing Raivis elbowing his way towards me. _And please don't let him make it._

"VARGAS!"

Apparently my luck had ran out, because my older co-worker got to the elevator just before the doors closed, quickly putting his hand between the closing doors so the opened again, letting him slip inside.

"Doctor Vargas" he said slowly, hiding his panting and sounding really scary. I didn't give up though; I swallowed hard and looked away. I really didn't want to see him right now. "Just why… did you just run away from your appointment?"

God, he sounded really scary. "I have something else to do?" I tried, still not daring to look at him. He had worked longer than me, he was older, unfortunately taller too, and when he wanted _really-super-mother-fucking-scary. _

"What is more important than your job, Doctor Vargas?" The words where said with absolute coolness and disbelief which made an uncomfortable shiver go down my spine.

"Another case?" Don't someone dare to tell me to man up, he could be Goddamn scary! The atmosphere got heavy and I wished for nothing more than the elevator to stop on the ground floor so I could go to the examiner room where Gilbert was and tell him about what I found.

"That's not your job, Doctor Vargas-"

"Oh please! Just let it go! This actually _is _more important, so get out of my face and let me do what I want!" I hissed to him, finally glaring at him, and seeing him become shocked that I actually _hissed at him. _

Oh fuck.

The elevator stopped, and I panicked rushed out from the small space and ran to the room I knew Gilbert was in. I threw to door opened, threw myself in and closed it just as quickly. Gilbert, sitting on the bed, lit up when he saw me, and Eduardo looking at me really confused.

"Hey, lil doc! Go tell him I'm fine and don't need anyone else than you!" Gilbert said with the usual grin on his face.

I was just about to answer him when the door flew open and Raivis ran in. Poor Eduardo looked really confused now, and looked terrified from me to Raivis, forgetting about Gilbert. Raivis frowned, and I looked horrified at him.

"I see" the taller man said finally, breaking the silence in the room. He softened and made his way to Eduardo, whispering something that made the other blush. He quickly kissed the doctors cheek, walking out from the room again with Eduardo. "We'll leave now; just make sure to give the one you missed today a new time."

"I will" I said with a nod, watching them leave before turning to Gilbert who grinned and looked expectantly at me.

"What made you run here? Some news?" He said hopefully, making me grin.

"Actually yes, good ones too!" I said excitedly, digging out the papers and pictures from the pile in my arms. I hang up the picture of his lungs, pointing at the little white spot. "See that?"

He leaned closer, squinted his eyes to see the small discoloring. "And what the hell is that?"

"I have no idea" I admitted, making him look up at me in disbelief. "And that's why I need to make a few more tests, this time on your lungs. It's a start."

He looked up at me blinking, and then a grin slowly grew back on his face. "Yes! We found a start!"

"I did."

"Okay, you did. Man, this call for some sort of celebration! When do you get off work?" He grinned at me, looking so happy and alive that I couldn't help smile back.

"Around five" I answered, almost guessing what was coming now.

"Awesome! Let's take a coffee at the usual place!" If he wasn't sitting on the bed, he'd be dancing. I knew that, because he jumped up and down, looking like he wanted to grab me and swing me around in circles and laugh and sing for all his heart's content. And I didn't want anything else then join him.

"Of course!"

**Xxx(OwO)xxX**

So there we were again, sitting at the same table, with the same drinks before us. Me with my latte and Gilbert with his black coffee.

"I actually prefer latte" Gilbert said suddenly as I was on the tenth circle made with my spoon. I looked up in surprise and frowned.

"Then why didn't you order it?" Totally ridiculous to order something you don't like. I'm actually not one to talk since I don't approve of latte, but that's not the point. Gilbert shrugged and took a sip from his cup. I looked down at the light brown drink in my hand. I really hated it… "You want mine?" I asked and reached out my cup to him.

"Really?" he asked and his eyes lit up, reaching over the dark brown table to grab the cup. "But what about you?"

"I can take yours, I only ordered it to have something to play with anyway" I said with a shrug. He gave me the cup and I started making patterns with my spoon in the black coffee instead. You never saw the path like you did in the foam in the latte, but it'll do. I could do something at least.

After another minute in comfortable silence, I promise, those exist, my phone made a sound. It cause both of us to jump because of how sudden it came. We both immediately slapped upon all our pockets for our phones, simultaneously pulling them up and flipping them open.

"Mine" I said as I looked through the message Antonio sent me. It was pure nonsense and I frowned. He could never write anything sane to me, could he?

"Who?" Gilbert asked and tried to look at the screen.

"My boyfriend" I answered and buried the phone in my pocket again without answering.

"Love is useless" Gilbert said and put down his cup of coffee.

"What, bad relationships?" I asked with a little too happy grin. Gilbert had problems, yay.

"'I've had more relationships than you can count" Gilbert answered and started counting. "Jillian, second grade, lasted an hour. Yulia, third grade, Olive, at the same time. Lizzy, after I broke up with the others it lasted half a year. Zabina, fifth grade, a year. Elizabeta, sixth grade, four years. Oliver, one year. Tom, but we were more like friends with benefits. Rick, two years. Then Fred, Timothy, Alfred, Arthur and Hugo, all of them in one year. Fritz, five years…." He made a pause and stared at the finger he said Fritz' name with. I thought it was over when he suddenly started again. "Lukas, Mathis, Tino and Lars. Also them over quite fast. Now I've been single for quite some time." He leant back in the chair and glance at me. "What's your experience in relationships?"

"I've had one" I said, not ashamed about it. "And I still have him."

Gilbert gave a little whistle, as if impressed. "Wow. How?"

"Took him a long time to even be friends with me, a damned lot of years more to confess to me, and another two to get into my pants" I shrugged and smirked at the thought. I stood up for myself for a long time for being me. Not that I wasn't horny or shit, I am a man after all. I just didn't want to. I didn't want to ruin it with bad sex. So it took me a while to trust Antonio enough to let him down there.

"Wow" Gilbert said again. "Are you one of those who believe in one love that lasts for life?"

I snorted. "Are you fucking kidding me? No. It's just that I haven't trusted anyone enough to love them like that. It's always been me and Feli, and I never had time for love. Antonio was first, and he came around in high school. I don't believe the fucking shit about "one true love", love is an illusion."

"And yet you have a relationship."

"Shut up. Logics are overestimated."

I could see how Gilbert really tried to hold back a laugh. My pout died as his broad grin broke out and he started to laugh hysterically. I really liked his smile, I felt warm and happy whenever he was happy.

I had yet to understand how much influence the albino had on me, but I think I understood a bit more that day. 'Cause he was smiling so bright, it made my heart jump and my face light up with a very rare smile.

"Hey" he said suddenly, when he recovered from laughing. "I heard from West that it's Feliciano's birthday next week."

"Yeah" I answered to, tried hard to get my regular frown upon my face. "What about it?"

Gilbert grinned evilly and leaned over the table, tilting his head to look at me in a strange angle that made my heart jump once more because _he was so fucking close. _

"I'm one hell of a party-planner."

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><p><strong>AN Yes, next will be longer, promise! Please review, and I have no reason except I'll be really happy if you do today QwQ Pwetty pwease?**


	8. Lost and gained

**A/N Do you guys know this is un-beta'd? OwO'' That's why there's so many spelling errors, wrong words and so on. I realised I even had this word in swedish in hapter 4... Sorry for that Dx I hope you went to a translate-thingy, checked the word up and then continued reading x'D Cuz I feel bad otherwise... Okay, you guys will probably hate me now, but anyway. You'll get more story and events in the next chapter. Okay? See this as some sort of strange preview or something~ It's really important for the plot, and I hope you read it all CUZ IT'S FUDGING IMPORTANT I TELL YOU. Okay, ENJOY~**

**I DON'T OWN HETALIA.**

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><p><strong>Chapter 8<strong>

**~Lost and gained~**

Feliciano's birthday was just days away, and I still hadn't got a present. Fuck. I didn't even know what he wanted! He usually left to job hunt after lunch, staying out really late to look in all the 24/7 gas stations and night clubs too, and when I went up and left for work he slept. We didn't have to chance to talk as much lately, and having meals together that was usually natural was now a rarity. So of course I didn't have the chance of I made my usual walk around Antonio's apartment, swearing with Antonio watching me from the couch.

"You could just ask him?" he said as his eyes followed me, a bit worried.

"He thinks I've already bought something! Fuck, I'm so screwed!" I cried and made another turn, pulling my hair.

"Why aren't you worrying about the party instead?" Antonio wondered and pulled me down onto his lap. I frowned but wrapped my arms around him lazily, leaning on his shoulder.

"The macho potato bastard brothers are taking care of that" I mumbled into his shirt. "They said I should focus on my work and keeping Feli un-knowing."

"Sound easy enough" Antonio grinned and made me jump a bit.

"Not with the blabber-mouth you as boyfriend" I huffed.

"I'm not talking all the time!" Antonio pouted and nudged me, making me lean back and grin at him.

"Oh you are…" I snickered, knowing what'd come next.

"Make me shut up then" the Spaniard said with a twinkle in his eyes. Knew it. I leaned forward and pressed my lips against his.

We still had shopping to do. Damn mood killer. I pulled away to out at Antonio, looking at him pleadingly for him to help me. He smiled and reached up to play with my hair.

"What do you need?"

"A present, new clothes, make sure the preparations are going as planned, make sure Gilbert aren't missing someone, though I doubt it since Ludwig know everything about our social networks, checking with everyone and check the food" I could say more, but Antonio interrupted me with a loud, carefree laugh.

"Let's make a list and start doing things first thing in the morning, okay? Tonight, I want to order pizza, watch a movie and have fun with you, Lovi~."

I rolled my eyes at him and patted the back of his head for good measure. "Sure, whatever. Now give me that pizza."

**Xxx(Days until Feliciano's birthday: 6)xxX**

I stomped on the ground, rubbing my arms with my gloved hands. Antonio was running late. Again. I really hated when he decided to be late on these kinds of days; the beginning of March, the winter cold not really gone yet and the wind blowing right through my thin leather jacket. I knew it was a bad idea, but the sun was out. It was supposed to be warm! Almost spring! But noooooooooo, Mother Nature decided to be a bitch and give us the chills. That bitch.

"Lovi!" Finally I heard Antonio yell my name from the other side of the square, making me tilt my head so I could see him running towards me. He was dressed warm, typical really, always prepared for the worst. I looked longingly at his scarf as he approached me, wanting some kind of heat around me. Antonio saw my look, and followed it to his scarf. He quickly unwrapped it from his neck and wrapped it around mine instead, smiling tenderly. "You never learn to dress warm, not stylish."

I buried my mouth and nose in the scarf, inhaling the typical scent of Antonio. "I'd rather look good and steal your clothes then being warm and not be able to smell you discreetly."

I noticed his cheeks flush and a sheepish grin spread across his face. He closed the space between us and wrapped his arms around me. "Smelling me now?"

I felt my cheeks heat up and I tried to push him away without really adding any heart to it. "N-no, that'd look weird! G-get away for me!"

"Aw… But Lovi… I want to hold you…!"

"Not whole me… hands are fine, okay? Just get away!" I huffed and finally he got away, instead of hugging me, taking my hand, smiling at me.

"Ready for clothes?" I couldn't do anything else than nod, once again hiding my face in the scarf, letting Antonio drag me to a clothes store in the other end of the square. I knew it and had visited it a few times before, always with Antonio or Feliciano. They both loved shopping (I do too, but not as much as them), and this shop was perfect. Stylish clothes, everyday clothes to formal clothes, in all kinds of fabrics. Sleeping wear in the softer ones, formal in the more strict fabrics and even sportswear. It held everything from Armani to Cheap Monday, and it wasn't those high robbery prices the other big-fashion-designer-stores had. I really loved everything about the store, the clothes, the decorations and even the grumpy homophobe working there. She always glared at me, and that gave me a reason to glare back without being called rude. Sometimes I just went there to glare at her.

As always, Antonio greeted her with a smile, she glared and I glared back. She wasn't even nice to customers (us). Bitch.

"What color are you thinking?" Antonio asked me, dragging me towards the Armani section, looking adoringly at all the shirts and pants hanging around us.

"Dunno, blue?" I said with a shrug, really thinking I look well in about everything.

"Well, I'm wearing red!" Antonio beamed and immediately found a red shirt with black stripes hanging just perfectly.

"You look good in red" I admitted, inspecting his choice of shirt. He smiled back and quickly handed me a pile of blue shirts, all in different shades of the color. I huffed from the weight of them, almost buried under the huge pile Antonio built upon me. "This many?"

"Uh-hm! Now go try!"

I sighed but walked to the dressing rooms. It was gonna be a long day…

**Xxx(Days until Feliciano's birthday: 5)xxX**

I woke up that night, like every year, hearing my brother's soft sobbing in the room next to mine. Like always, I turned to press my ear against the wall, even though I knew what he said down to the last syllable, I always listened to his sad voice.

"_Mom? Where are you? When are you guys coming home? It's okay, I'm not angry anymore… Please… can't you just come home? I miss you… I need to hang up now, but when you hear this, call me, okay? I'm really not angry anymore. Just answer me… Please mom…"_

I heard the noise of his cell phone being snapped shut and the sobbing that followed after. Like always I closed my eyes, and saw the twelve-year-old Feliciano sit on the floor in the hall. With the phone in one hand, he cried and whimpered. Me being fifteen, I just stood in the doorway, watching my brother cry his eyes out. I didn't know what to do until he saw me and reached out his arms. I made my way over and wrapped my arms around my shaking, sobbing little brother. We sat there, on the floor, waiting for a call that never came. That will never come. Because ours didn't reach them.

As the sobbing in the room next door died down I could retreat to under my covers, cuddling close to Antonio. It didn't feel right that Feliciano had to cry all alone, but I really couldn't do anything. I just went back to sleeping against my boyfriend's chest, hoping he'd been fine tomorrow. Like I always did. As the horrible big brother I was.

**Xxx(Days until Feliciano's birthday: 4)xxX**

"Do you have them all?" I asked, holding the phone in place with my shoulder and pouring the coffee to my favorite cup.

"Relax, West's fixing it right now! Oh, I took your phonebook, that's okay?" I heard some kind of crash, Gilbert's swearing and my eyes widened.

"You did _what_?"

"Took your phone book, it wouldn't be fun if only Feli's friends showed up." Some more cursing was heard in the background and I could hear Ludwig entering. The cousins yelled at each other for a minute, before I heard a heavy sigh and probably Ludwig walking away again.

"_When_?" I asked and went to sit by the table.

"Yesterday, geez, relax Lovi! You'll get it back, promise!"

"That's not what I'm worried about. You bastard… Please don't say you invited _everyone_ in there." I took a quick sip of the caffeine filled drink, grimacing at the taste.

"But I did-"

"You IDIOT!" Forcefully, I slammed the cup onto the table, some of the hot liquid spilling out when it touched the wood, making me curse.

"Yeah, yeah, but hey, your parents didn't answer."

"…"

"… Lovi?" He sounded worried, wondering if he had done something wrong or upset me in any way.

"They're on vacation."

"Oh. Well, makes sense I guess… Anyway, we have them all except your parents!"

"Just get on with the rest."

"Okeydokey!"

**Xxx(Days until Feliciano's birthday: 3)xxX**

I threw my jacket on in a hurry too damned early in the morning, before Feliciano woke up, running out from our apartment and down the stairs to where Antonio waited. He lit up when he saw me, smiled and waved at me to get in.

"Where do you want to go?" he asked as I got in and he started the vehicle up.

"The jewelry store in that coast town. You know the ridiculously expensive one."

Antonio raised an eyebrow at me, but he started going where I wanted anyway. "You do know it's a two hour drive there?" he asked.

"Yes, and I'm actually planning on a day there." I looked straight at him, meeting his surprised eyes. "I thought we could have fun too, go on a café, eat out or just walk around. Have fun without worrying if someone we know will see us. Not that they can't do that, I'm open with our relationship, but you know… interrupt."

He simply stared at me for a minute, then his usual beautiful grin showed up and he quickly pecked my cheek. He turned back to the road, still grinning. "I'd love too, Lovi."

He talked all the way there, non-stop sing-a-long to the radio and talking to me about everything. I answered almost all the time, trying to keep up in the inhuman speed he talked in. The sound of his voice was really soothing and made me relax, I promise I would have fallen asleep if he hadn't poked me every once in a while. I looked at him all the time. Staring at the green eyes that looked right ahead when not fixated on me, watching his dark brown locks move in the wind blowing from the opened window. The wind was chilly, but he insisted on having it open a few centimeters. I didn't mind, because whenever my complaints became too loud, Antonio took off his jacked and gave it to me. No matter how close we always where, I loved wearing his clothes. It made me feel safe and loved.

But this day it was strange. I didn't feel that way… at all. I didn't become warm from just watching him like I had before, his touches didn't make me shiver… I didn't become happy from simply seeing him. What the fuck?

It wasn't until later though, when Feliciano's present was bought, we had walked through the park together and now sat down in a café, close to each other in a couch, I realized what I never thought would happen.

"Hey, Lovi?"

"Yeah?" I reached out to take the cup of hot cocoa to warm my hands. The pie to its right was half eaten, and Antonio's wasn't even touched. I looked over at it, ignoring the fact that I probably prevented him from getting to it with my legs pinning his to the couch. I was halfway up in his lap, if I just reached out I could capture him in a hug, and no one would probably noticed because we were in the back of the café, far away from everyone else. Strange thing was that I didn't feel like doing it though… Usually I would just do it, make him kiss me and then we'd make out until the café employees threw us out. But I really didn't want to. Instead I stared longingly at his pie, which he didn't notice.

"Are you nervous?" Antonio asked and I noticed his eyes on me. He looked at me just like always, a bit worried and showing how much he loved me, and cared about me. I didn't feel anything.

"About what?" I kept staring at the pie, wondering if he'd even notice if I changed our plates.

"Feli's birthday! You made quite a scene a few days ago."

"Mhm… No I'm not" I said without really think about it, instead focusing o reaching out to take his place and switch place with mine so I got a whole piece instead of a half. When I was almost touching it, I felt myself being pulled towards Antonio, his arms wrapped around me. I yelped as I was pinned against his chest, feeling him bury his face in my hair, his breath tickling the sensitive spot behind my ear. I shivered and tried to relax but to no avail.

"You can tell me everything, Lovi. I hope you know that" he murmured, nuzzling me and making me feel a bit guilty. The times I hadn't told him stuff was far too many for me to count, and I knew he always worried about me. I mean, almost all the money he earned he put on my account. I had never touched any of them; I earned enough to keep me and Feli alive and going, actually. There had been times when we were barely able to pay the bills, but never once I touched the money Antonio had gave me or accepted Ludwig's offers to help. My pride couldn't take it, and neither my conscience. I didn't want to have a dept to either of them, and so I never got any money from anyone. Antonio kept doing it though, every month he put a large sum of money on my account, and it made me wonder if he had any money left to pay the bills, or if all his was spent on me, the mere thought making me feel guilty all over again. I wasn't even happy my boyfriend wanted to spend so much on me. I bet every girl would swoon and ask him to carry their children. I didn't care really.

I froze in his grip. Maybe that what a sign or something. My feelings had faded over the past months. From when Gilbert entered my life actually. What if…

"I do" I lied, not doing anything to answer his cuddling. He smiled weakly at me and tilted my head so our lips touched. I felt nothing. Nothing at all. Maybe this was it. I really didn't want for this to happen, but I guess that was the way of life… right?

I didn't love Antonio anymore.

**Xxx(Days until Feliciano's birthday: 2)xxX**

With Feliciano's present wrapped, the food ordered, the guests invited and clothes fixed _I was bored out of my mind. _Seriously. Raivis had banned me from work again, Antonio couldn't take one more day that he saved for Feliciano's birthday, and everyone else I knew was busy. So, naturally, I was bored. Really bored. Thank God for bad, horrible, Spanish soap operas. And Project Runaway. They have some really good stuff, oh yes.

I didn't have the guts to break up with Antonio just yet. I wanted Feliciano's birthday to be perfect first. I didn't want Antonio and me to break up this close to it, and not getting along on my little brother's big day. It would be a disaster, and no one would leave us alone. So I decided to wait some days more. It all sounded like a bad soap opera, a bit like that one…

… I was really bored, okay.

**Xxx(Days until Feliciano's birthday: 1)xxX**

Panic.

Real, pure, _panic._

You know when you've planned something for a while, you're absolutely sure you have forgot something, you just don't know what, or if this little itsy-bitsy wrong thingy even exists. That's what I felt. I walked around in the apartment, pulling my hair trying to figure out what the fuck I had forgot.

**Xxx(Feliciano's birthday)xxX**

The 17th of March. The day I got my beautiful little brother, whom I love above anything else. The only family I have left. The day we had made everything perfect for his 25th birthday, to celebrate twenty five years of him walking around on the Earth. The day we had all gathered in Ludwig's house with Feliciano on his way. The happy day that started with me panicking and ended with a phone call. One single phone call that made the ground beneath my feet crumble and fall, that made me fall down into darkness and think I was never gonna get out. One single phone call, which turned our lives upside down.

**Xxx(OxO)xxX**

"God _damn _it! Where is he?"

"Calm down Lovi, I'm sure he'll get here soon!"

"Yeah, lil doc! He's Italian, they're never on time!"

"You realize he's my brother, jerk, which means I'm also Italian and _I'm on time!_"

"Lovi please, we don't want to be fighting on Feli's birthday party!"

"Could all of you just shut up?"

Ludwig's irritated voice raised above everyone else's and made us all freeze and stare at his furrowed brows and irritated face.

"Thank you."

I pouted and folded my arms over my chest, making most of the guests laugh at the strange scene playing before them. I saw all Feliciano's old college friends there, along with some from his early working places and even some of our closest friends from our hometown. There was even some of my and Antonio's friends. Sometimes I felt really stalked by Ludwig.

"We don't have much choice but to wait" Antonio let out a light sigh, sneaking his arms around my waist. I squeezed his arms, tuning to kiss his cheek as my phone started buzzing. I jumped, startling Antonio and getting out from his grip. I got out the phone and answered without checking the number, think it was Feli.

"Feli? Where are you? Weren't you-"

"Mister Vargas? " a firm woman's voice said in the other end, making me stop and stare unseeing right in front of me. I swallowed hard, wetting my mouth to let some words slide out.

"Y-yeah?"

"Good, your brother, Feliciano Vargas, has been in an accident."

I almost dropped the phone. I could see Antonio catch it and answer instead in the corner of my eye, but I didn't care. My eyes slowly got covered by a white blinding light, shutting out the world and making me dizzy. I could feel the ground crumble under my feet and my knees felt like jelly. Feliciano, my little brother Feliciano…

"Dude, what happened?" Gilbert pulled Antonio's shirt as the Spaniard stared intensively at nothing, jerking back to reality when the albino touched him.

"We need to get to the hospital" he snapped the phone shut and turned to Ludwig, pulling the taller down to whisper in his ear. "Feliciano's been in an accident, I'll take Lovi and Gilbert to the car, send the others home and come after us."

Ludwig nodded and started shooing the guests out. Gilbert followed Antonio, who went to pull my limp body up from the floor. I couldn't move, even with Antonio asking me to walk I couldn't. The thought of losing Feli was too hard, I didn't even think then, I didn't notice myself being sat in a car or driven to the hospital. It wasn't until the doctor came to meet us I got back to reality.

"Where's Feli? He's my brother, let me see him!" I yelled, pulling away from Antonio and walking over to the doctor.

"I'm really sorry, Mister Vargas. But you can't. Your brother has been in a car accident, and he got some serious injuries that require surgery. They're getting him there right now."

I simply stared. I couldn't do anything else than stare. The moments of the first accident ever I was part of, even though on the outside, replayed in my mind. That time I had Feli. Every time I had Feli. Now I didn't have Feli anymore. Now, Feli wasn't there.

"Lovi-" Antonio reached out and his fingertips touched my shoulder.

"DON'T TOUCH ME!" I screamed, not even looking at him and running away.

My mind didn't work anymore. I didn't know what I was doing, I just ran. Ran to find somewhere to hide. Somewhere I could hide from the world. I still remembered.

**Xxx(OxO)xxX**

I want someone to hold me. I remembered that day, when firemen and doctors rushed past me, no one asking if I was okay. I was a doctor, I should've been able to handle it. When someone touched me I screamed. I didn't want anyone to touch me. To be honest I didn't want anything else than a hug. I wanted someone to tell me it'd be okay. To hold me for as long as I wanted, and then a while longer. I just wanted to feel good, to be held and old I mattered. That someone was willing to hold me as I cried.

When Feli was in that car crash, the memories from our parent's death came back to me. When Feli wasn't there to tell me it was okay, I broke apart even more than before. I was about to lose the last family I had.

I found myself shivering in a corner, crying my heat out when Gilbert found me. I screamed for him not to touch me, but he pulled me into a bone crushing hug, refusing to let me go. I hid my face in the crook of his neck, feeling his hair against my face. It made me think of him. Of his colorless hair that always shined in the sun, the red, glimmering eyes that always looked right through me. His touches made me shiver, his looks made me blush. He made me warm, made me happy. Even when crying in his arms, I felt warm, much like the first times I let Antonio touch me in high school. I couldn't get him out of my head. There was no point in denying it anymore.

"It'll be okay" he whispered over and over into my ear. "It'll be okay." I simply cried my eyes out until there were no more tears. And then he held me more. I actually believed him. That it would be okay.

That's when I knew I loved him.

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><p><strong>AN Please review and make me happy? QwQ Revies make my day, and you know what's the best about it? For you, it takes five minutes and it's free~ So give me your thoughts. Every thought. No matter how mean/hateful/happy/whatever. BRING IT ON.**


	9. Dead people don't talk

**A/N So, I give you a kinda big reveal scene anyway... I just wanted it to be done, so you and Gilbert know. And this has to be proof that Lovino trust Gilbert now :3 I really wanted to tell it too, you get all the big details, but he's still not over it. ...Have I ever told you I haven't figured this whole story out yet? x'D No? Now you know. Anyway, I got nothing else to say. ENJOY.**

**I DON'T OWN HETALIA.**

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><p><strong>Chapter 9<strong>

**~Dead people don't talk~**

"It was thirteen years ago now" I said, holding the plastic cup filled with water carefully between my hands.

It had been hours since Gilbert pulled me out from the corner, still with an arm around me, and led me to the waiting room where he gave me water. And there we had been, side by side, the nurse not having heart to chase us away after seeing my face or hearing about Feli getting in an accident on his birthday. She just asked if we wanted a blanket. I didn't trust my voice then, so Gilbert accepted the offer and there we sat, wrapped in the blanket, waiting for anything. Ludwig was curled up on a bench a few rows away, he didn't face us when we got there, just lying on the bench, motionless. I guessed he had fallen asleep by now. And that he had also cried. I had never seen any tears coming from the muscular blonde's eyes, but if Gilbert could cry, so could his cousin.

Gilbert didn't say anything in respond to my first words since I yelled at him to go away, his silence urging me to continue. I took a sip from the glass, the now lukewarm water running down my sore throat.

"Thirteen years ago, our parents died." I could feel the tears press up again, my body shaking. I could feel Gilbert's arm rose up to wrap around my shoulders again, squeezing comfortingly. "Five days before Feliciano's twelfth birthday…" I swallowed hard, trying to keep the tears away until I had told him the most important details. I tried saying it, but the words got stuck in the back of my throat. I blinked hard, breathing out, deciding to start on another end. "They smoked. And had been for the most part of their grown lives. They had cancer, both of them." I pulled my legs up under my body, pinning my knees close to my chest. "We all knew they were going to die. So… they made the most of their lives. They spent time with us, we went on vacations, trips, and it was happy times." I felt the tears again, pictures, flashing behind my closed eyelids.

"Lovi, you don't have too…" Gilbert said softly, but I shook my head.

"You deserve to know." I took a deep, shaking breath. I opened my eyes and stared intensively into nothing, refusing to blink because I knew tears would start falling. "But we were far from perfect… Every family fights. About responsibility, money, time, attention. We fought about the smoking. Feli and I learned in school how dangerous it was, that was before we knew they already had cancer, and we tried to make them stop. They said they would, but never did." My eyes grew dry and I gave the cup with water to Gilbert who placed it beside him. I hugged my knees and hid my face, speaking clearly so he could hear. "Feli grew tired of them. He saw them smoke for the hundredth time after we had begged them to stop. He got really mad; I've never seen him like that, before nor after. He screamed at them, told them… how fucking stupid they were. How f-fucking idiotic they acted… Th-they tried to defend themselves… Trying to tell a twelve year old… That they were going t-to die anyway. He refused to listen at them. He asked them to leave, get the fuck out of there. I screamed at both of them, trying to shut them up, but neither listened. And Feli… H-he said he never wanted to see them again…" The tears fell from my cheeks. It was the first time I told the story myself. Antonio heard it from me and Feli together, and Feli wanted to tell Ludwig himself. They were the only ones we've ever told. I was never strong enough to tell someone myself. Though it was Feli who had asked them to go to hell, he got over it. I never did. I guess I took the responsibility for some reason. Our parents had told me they had cancer a few months before, asking me not to tell Feli until he was older. I took a deep breath once again, trying to get my shaking body to calm down enough so I could talk properly. "A week before March 17, they drove off. We didn't know where, they just went away. Five days before Feliciano's birthday… there was an accident. He had called our parents several times… asking, begging them to come home. They never answered the phone. They never called back. We heard about the accident on the radio… and called them again. Feli cried so hard he couldn't talk, so I had to answer the phone when they called… a-and said… it was our parents. That they d-died."

Gilbert's grip around me tightened, and the tears fell uncontrollably again. I turned to him, hiding my face against his chest. He wrapped his arms around me in a proper hug, hushing me when I tried to speak.

"Shh, Doc. You don't need to speak anymore, okay? That's all I need to know for now, okay. It's okay."

I nodded into his shirt and curled up closer against him. "I know bastard, say it again."

**Xxx(OwO)xxX**

"Mister Vargas, you can visit your brother now."

Immediately I fly up from the chair, making Gilbert fall down onto the wood of the bench, cursing when his face hit the surface.

"Is he okay?" I hadn't noticed Ludwig getting up and joining us, I looked up at him, seeing his red eyes and his slightly swollen cheeks.

"Yes, he's got some broken bones and a slight concussion, but overall he's fine." The nurse smiled at us as we both let out a relieved sigh.

"Thank Gott," Ludwig murmured and runs a hand through his hair. "Where is he?"

"He's got room number 206," the nurse turned around and nodded for us to follow. "I'll show you."

Ludwig nodded eagerly and followed the nurse like a puppy, leaving me and Gilbert in the waiting room.

"You should go too," Gilbert said as he stopped groaning and rubbing his chin. He stood beside me, smiling a bit. "You're his brother."

I looked away from him, feeling the weight of Feliciano's forgotten present in my pocket. "I don't know, it feels better if Ludwig goes to see him first-"

"Ludwig will see him for the rest of his life. You two will eventually move away from each other. And you're his only family," he gently pushed me in the direction of the room, looking really sad for some reason. "If nothing else, do it for me?"

My heart ached at the sight of his watery eyes, and in a try to make him stop I reached out to caress his cheek with my fingertips, but they barely touched his pure, white skin before I realized what I was doing and pulled away, blushing furiously.

"Y-Yes. I'll go." Hurried, I walked away from him, hands clenched into fists and staring down into the floor. _Why? Why did I do that? He must think I'm crazy. Why, Lovino? Why are you so fucking stupid? You're still together with Antonio, no matter what your feelings are bastard! You have to fucking break up with him before hinting anything to Gilbert. Why you stupid son of a fucking bitch, you fucking idiotic-_

Muttering, I scolded myself, slapping my cheeks in a try to ease the warmth in my face. It wasn't even for a good reason, I just touched – OMG I touched Gilbert. In a loving way. WHY, BRAIN, WHY?

"Ah, Lovi…" The weak voice of my little brother almost broke my heart, and the thoughts of Gilbert disappeared immediately, replaced with worry for my brother. "Ludwig, I want to speak with Lovi…"

Ludwig nodded and walked past me, patting my shoulder. "We should be happy," he whispered and smiled weakly. "Feliciano's alive."

I swallowed hard and nodded, actually happy Feli had so many that cared. The night had been filled with phone calls and text messages, so many I was forced to turn my phone off, and as soon as I put it on, it was flooded again.

Nothing could really prepare me for what I was about to see in the bed that my little brother had been assigned. I've seen him sick before, but never like this. He was really pale, not as pale as Gilbert, and his skin was still slight olive colored, but the lack of healthy colors was painfully obvious. I looked straight into his blank, dull eyes, trying really hard to find the usual happy glint in them. It wasn't present, he just looked really tired.

He didn't look as bad as I had seen others, with bone pipes poking out from flesh wounds, burns covering arms, legs and faces and even some poked-out eyes. But this was my baby brother, this was fucking different. If he got a paper cut, I panicked. Okay, no, but close. This was hell.

"Hi Lovi," he smiled weakly, nodding for me to come over. He didn't need to do it twice, as I went straight over, wrapping my little brother in a hug.

"Don't you ever do this to me again," I said and squeezed him tight, feeling his arms hug me back. "Don't you ever fucking dare to do this again!"

"I'm sorry Lovi… that car came from nowhere!" Feli tried to laugh, but he failed. "I'm really sorry… I was so scared…" The soft sobbing that comes from him makes he feel guilty, I shouldn't have sounded so angry.

"It's okay, idiot… Don't cry okay?" I pulled away from him, looking into his eyes when he sniffled and nodded. "I got something for you. You missed your birthday…"

"A present?" Feli lights up and claps his hands, looking like a kid on Christmas. "Oh, I wonder what it is!" I handed him the small package, which he eagerly opened and pulled out what was inside.

First we saw the gold chain, and then came the golden cross. I saw my brother eyeing it with amazement; I could see how much he loved it. He reached out to touch the cold metal, before grinning and handing it to me.

"Put it on."

He turned around so his neck was facing me; I took the chain in hand and opened the safety thingy. I carefully placed the chain around my brother's neck, making sure it wasn't too tight. When it was secured around his neck, resting against his skin he reached up to caress it with his fingers. He looked up at me and grinned.

"Grazie, Lovi!" He threw his arms around me and nuzzled my neck. "I will never, ever take it off!"

"Glad you liked it" I smiled and hugged back, happy that he seemed to get a bit of his old self back. "… I love you, Feli."

"I love you too Lovi. I promise never to leave you, and try to never put you through this again."

"I'm just so glad you're still alive."

The tears started to fall from both of our eyes and we sobbed quietly, not noticing the Germans sanding in the door, watching us.

**Xxx(Third person POV)xxX**

"What do you think, Gil?" Ludwig asked without taking his eyes from the Italians on the bed.

"About what?" Gilbert asked in response, folding hid arms over his chest.

"About Lovino."

"… He's fine." Gilbert glanced at his cousin, trying to figure out where the younger wanted to get.

"Think he can save you?"

"I trust that man with my life, ain't that proof enough for you?"

"Just a tip," Ludwig turned to face Gilbert, glaring into his red eyes. "Don't get to close in case…"

He stopped mid-sentence. Gilbert got it anyway. They nodded at each other and Ludwig walked away. Gilbert watched after him, sighing and turning back to the crying brothers on the hospital bed. "Too late."

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><p><strong>AN Made you worried, didn't I? x'D Lovino doesn't know about what Gilbert and Ludwig spoke about in the last part c: FYI~ Please review, they really make my day QwQ (Seriously, my family have put up with my happy squealing all day because all the lovely reviews~) Thanks guys! Love you all! Please tell me what you think, and so on~ Next chapter will be interesting c: (And your reactions will be too ;D)**


	10. Change

**A/N QwQ ALSFNVKFDFSACNFSADXC _GOD _guys! I love you all, you're all so amazing! I'm really amazed to see how much love this story is getting, it makes me proud! I'm also really glad you like it, thought the strangeness (?) of it x'D Anyway, I'm back with kinda short chapters! I really wanted to update, and not keep you waiting... I hope this turns out fine. The straight continuing that I couldn't fit in tonight will be in next chapter~ I hope you'll ENJOY THIS CHAPTER~!**

**I DON'T OWN HETALIA.**

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><p><strong>Chapter 10<strong>

**~Change~**

"Mon cher, Feliciano! Are you okay? Feeling better, mon dieu, you're so pale!"

It was impossible not to know Francis had arrived when he started babbling about Feli. Feli simply laughed as the French wrapped his arms around him and hugged back. I glared at him, hiding my worry that he'd accidentally crush my little brother in his worry. On his way he'd dropped Matthew off in my arms, so there I was, staring down at the little kid's huge violet eyes.

"Wovi!" The kid squealed and held up his arms, obviously wanting a hug. I sighed and pushed him up further so he could clumsily wrap his arms around my neck. I guess it was okay for him to call me Lovi; he was a kid after all and would probably never manage to say Lovino.

"Yeah, hi buddy," I patted his back and felt him nuzzle into my shoulder. I guess children can be kinda cute… As long as I don't have to take care of them.

"Ah! Lovi! It's not common to see you with a kid in your arms!"

As soon as I heard Antonio's voice I pulled the drooling kid away from me and in the direction of his voice. "Here, take him."

"Aw, you looked so cute, Lovi!" He couldn't reallysay no to hold the kid, so he quickly took Matthew away from me and placed him on his hip. Both him and the kid giggled as the Spaniard played with his hair and tickled him. I rolled my eyes and sighed at him.

"Hey, hey, hey! Kiddy!" Gilbert just couldn't do a normal entrance, could he?

The Beilschmidt brothers walked into the room, Gilbert of course settling for giving the kid nightmares for life. Ludwig sighed and slapped his brother on the back of his head, before going straight for Feliciano, yanking Francis off my brother and his boyfriend.

"Please, Francis, he needs to rest." Ludwig said and answered Feliciano's enthusiastic hug, shutting the pouting French out.

Gilbert whined and slapped both of his own hands over the spot Ludwig had slapped and pouted. I glanced at him, growing bored of Antonio stupidly giggling with the kid, watching his eyes travel to me. His expression changed to a grin, and I had to look away, trying to hide the fact I blushed. How the fuck would I be able to be in the same room as him and Antonio, like _ever?_

"Lovi, are you okay? You look red-"Antonio approached me, but I put a hand over his mouth.

"Drop the kid, we need to talk." I glared poisonous at him. This wouldn't work anymore.

I didn't feel anything when he touched me, not the tiniest bit of joy when he kissed me, and absolutely nothing expect disgust and how incredibly _wrong _it was when we tried to have sex. We did, try I mean. Oh, horrible memories.

**Xxx(FlashbackSkillzActivated)xxX**

"Loooooviii…" Antonio whined as he dragged himself into the living room and fell over the couch, slumping down to rest his chin on my head.

"Yeah?" I asked, totally uninterested, turning page in the book. Good thing I always looked kinda bored when being at home with _anyone, _that meant I didn't have to fake how totally uninterested I actually felt towards him.

"I'm boooored…" Antonio continued, twisting his body awkwardly until he was over the back of the couch and sat down beside me, putting his head on my shoulder. "Entertain me…" I shuddered uncomforted at the hand travelling from my knee along the inside of my thigh.

"Antonio," I tried to shoo the hand away, but the Spaniard was stubborn, coming back to caress me every time I managed to get him off, I thing I used to love. Note; _Used. _"I'm not up for it tonight."

He looked up at me and pouted, eyes ones of a kicked puppy, and looking incredibly childish. A move I also _used _to fall for all the time. "But Lovi…" he whined and scooted closer. "We haven't done it in weeks! Always there has been something in the way… Now Feliciano and Ludwig aren't here, you're not stressed from work, and I'm horny."

"How do you even think I can think of sex when my little brother's in hospital?"

He frowned, a very unusual sight, and looked really annoyed. "Because it's going to be fine!" He hands once again decided to travel up my tight, this time it got all the way up to my waist and slowly got closer to my crotch. "You know you want this…"

Before he got there though, I reacted without thinking. I pulled and threw his hand away so forcefully it wasn't just the hand that flew away; Antonio was also dragged away from his place beside me, thrown to the other end of the couch, staring at me.

I looked horrified, I knew. The simple thought of having sex with Antonio now was frightening. I could admit we had some really great times before, and I didn't regret a single one of them. We were in love, and I don't regret anything that happened when our feelings where mutual. It was beautiful, what we had. But it was no more. Since I didn't love him anymore, I didn't want him to touch me. Not like I now wanted…

… Gilbert.

"L-Lovi…?" Antonio's worried voice snapped my back to reality, and I quickly got up from the couch, shutting the book I once read and slamming it upon the table.

"S-Sorry… I want to be alone." With that I rushed off to my room, locking myself in and making Antonio look for another bed somewhere else. I sighed deeply, and collapsed on the bed. I curled up into a ball, concentrating on breathing. It was fine, I was gonna be alright, everything would be fine… I would be fine.

I needed to break up with Antonio.

**Xxx(FlashbackSkillzDismissed)xxX**

So there I was, pulling Antonio through the corridors in the hospital, looking for somewhere we could talk. Somewhere we wouldn't be heard, since Antonio would probably… protest. Somewhere safe to break up with him. I finally found a room that fitted what I wanted. It was an examine room, an empty one in a dead department. I shoved him inside and shut the door, not all the way since it was an empty floor, but still a bit.

"What, Lovi?" Antonio asked and looked at me, slightly panting from our half run to the room. "You've… been acting strange for a while. What is it?"

I tried to catch my breath before even thinking of telling him.

"It's over."

No reaction.

"I'm breaking up with you."

"What?" Antonio's face paled, and it was priceless. If it hadn't been for the reason, I would have laughed, said sorry and made fun of him for believing me. But now I had the reason. "Why?"

"I'm not in love with you anymore." Simple as that. I walked past him, to the bed, jumping up to sit on it. He stared at me, not believing his eyes. He, Antonio Fernandez Carriedo, was being _dumped _by his boyfriend since _forever. _

"What?" He said again, slowly shaking his head.

"I said–"

"I heard you," his eyes changed, growing cold instantly. "Is it Gilbert?"

My turn to look shocked. Was it so obvious? "Wh–"

"Don't say you thought I haven't noticed! You look at him all loving and stuff… like you used to look at me. But you stopped when _he _came into your life! Now answer me, I want to hear it from you! Do you love him?"

…

"Yeah."

"Y-You can't do that!" The cold in his eyes where gone immediately and replaced with hurt. "You can't dump me for him!" It wasn't often he raised his voice, but now he did.

"I love him Antonio. Sorry, I don't feel the same for you."

He stared at me, not knowing what to say, face paling and tears building up in his eyes. "After all I did for you; after all I've gone through. I had two jobs and gave you the money! I bet it was that money that paid your apartment! Or the food on your table!"

"I didn't ask you too! I never asked for the money, and I never used it! Just look up my account, every little dollar you gave me is still there! I didn't ask you to do anything, you just assumed I needed help and then did! I'm perfectly fine on my own!"

Now his face showed anger, his hands was clenched into fists, his face turned red and frustrated tears fell down his face, escaping from his eyes. "Sure! Whatever you want! Go live your pathetic doctor life with a dying boyfriend, but don't come beck crying to me when he dies! I'm not going to offer a shoulder to cry on during the funeral!" He screamed as he turned around and left the room. When he said the last sentence he slammed the door so hard I thought it was gonna fall off, shaking as if it was scared, it held though.

"Don't worry, Lovi!" Feli popped into the room, apparently he'd heard everything, and he came up to me and wrapped his arms around mine. "You can cry on my shoulder!"

I looked at him, eyes asking if he was stupid, before turning back to stare at the door. "It's fine, I don't need it." I stared at the door, eyes softening as my brain decided to project a mental picture of Gilbert grinning. This was going to change my life. Totally. When I wouldn't have Antonio around anymore, what would I do? I couldn't really picture a life without him besides me. But, it was changing. Everything changed. After so long time, I was sile again. I almost felt like laughing. It was all so hilarious! I could do what I wanted! Even date Gilbert!

I looked up at Feli, smiling one of the huge, rare smiles he was one of few that got to see."Gilbert won't die."

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><p><strong>AN Please review, and all of the usual shit I write here, they seriously make my day and improve my writing~ And it makes me luv you QwQ What are you waiting for? Just press the button below ;3 Even a monkey could do it~ Now show you're better then that monkey 8D *shot for random rudeness***


	11. Away

**A/N This chapter is really short, really emotional... I didn't want to keep you waiting anymore, so it didn't turn out like I wanted too (^^'') But I'll make it up in the next chapter, okay? I wrote this in an hour, while listening to Alexander Rybak... okay? So this is really what should be expected or something. I'm also feeling a bit nauseous, I'm on my period, so this is really, _reeeeeeeaaaaally _stupid or something... I promise next chapter will be better! Anyway, I still hope you'll enjoy this chapter~ Thought I've probably scared you away now xD ENJOY!**

**I DON'T OWN HETALIA.**

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><p><strong>Chapter 11<strong>

**~Away~**

I sighed and ran a hand through my hair as I made my way back to Feliciano's room. I had waited in a good hour before finally daring to go out from there. I didn't want to see Antonio right now, and wanted to make sure he was gone until I got back to Feliciano's room where only Ludwig was left.

"Did that bastard leave?" I asked and got both of their attention. Ludwig simply rolled his eyes and Feliciano grinned stupidly. I raised a questioning eyebrow, but got the answer to their actions only seconds after.

"Who're you calling bastard?" I felt two arms wrap around my neck and I heard the pout in Gilbert's voice.

"Apparently you" I answered and tried to push his head away from my shoulder. He was stubborn though, and soon I had to use both of my hands to push him away. To get a better angle, I turned around in his grip so we were chest-to-chest, I placed both of my palms on his chin and pushed upwards, but in response Gilbert pressed down, and since he apparently where stronger than me, our face soon got in level with each other. We were mere millimeters apart, and I felt my cheeks slowly burning up. In a last-ditch effort I gathered all my power to pull away from him, and he finally let me go. I stumbled away from him and quickly turned away from him and the others in the room, hiding my blush away from them all. I heard Gilbert snicker and got flushed all over again.

"Whatever, I wanted to talk to you anyway! See ya later, west! Take care of Feli for us!"

Suddenly Gilbert gripped my wrist and pulled me along, leaving the sound of Feliciano laughing and Ludwig sighing behind us.

"G-Gilbert, what the fu-"

"I'm going to Germany."

We had gotten to a halt far off in a distant corridor; there was no one around to hear my panting or the sound of Gilbert's serious voice. I simply stared at the albino before me who looked at me, I don't know, nervous? Like I was some kind of critic that would tell him, what exactly, that it was a stupid idea? That he should stay? That he was too sick to travel-

… Okay probably. I was his doctor after all.

I slowly stood up and let out a breathy sigh, running a hand through my hair. I closed my eyes, thinking what exactly he wanted to hear, and how I could still make it sound like it was my own words.

"…Why?" I asked, cracking a eye opened to watch him. To my surprise I saw his cheeks turning pink.

"W-Well… I thought, that maybe, after all of these years… I'd visit my parents again. I got the idea after you told me about your parents. All the unsaid words, all the moments you didn't get to share, all the things you didn't get to experience… I guess no kid can truly hate their parents, and no parent can truly hate their kid. So… after all of these years, I wanna see them one last time, you know? Just in case! And tell them that I love them… and that I really love them." He smiled at me, a bit uneasy, still waiting for my approval.

I guess I was really emotional with everything that had been happening, because I felt tears forming in the corners of my eyes. I swallowed the lump in my throat so I could answer him, letting a small whine out in the process. He tilted his head at me, and I looked away in embarrassment.

"It's not really my decision to take…" I started, and saw him opening his mouth again. But before he could answer I put a finger over his lips, keeping him quiet. "But I think you should. You still have the chance to make the difference. So I really think you should." I allowed myself to smile at him. "Go make up with your parents, if not for you or them, for me and Feli."

I saw him light up, and soon I found myself embraced by him.

"Vielen, vielen Dank" he whispered and let go of me, grinning one last time before disappearing down the halls, leaving me behind. I couldn't help but smile. He could be really adorable sometimes… So I guess all I could do now was waiting for him to come back.

Slowly I made my way back to Feliciano's room, announcing I would go home. The first day in so many years I slept all alone.

**Xxx(OwO)xxX**

"Why did you dump Antonio?"

I nearly choked on my coffee, spitting it back I the cup and couching like crazy. It had been one and a half week since Feliciano's accident, and he was now home, pestering me with questions.

"_Wha-" _

"He's not really here anymore, and you're never talking to him, so I figured stuff out" my little brother shrugs and jumps over the back of the couch so he sits next to me, smiling expectantly. "So? Why, Lovi?"

I stare at my brother for a good minute, wondering when the hell he became so sharp. "What the hell, Feli?" I say out of chock, making him laugh.

"I'm just curious! Is it Gilbert? Oh right, it was Gilbert, huh? Isn't that… stupid?"

"I don't get how the hell it could be fucking stupid!" I hiss and glare at him. "What's the fucking problem with me loving Gilbert? I've been gay since forever, Feli! And he's another dude! So what's the fucking problem?"

Feliciano stares terrified at me, small tears forming in his eyes. "I-I just…"

"Don't you pull that, "Oh but Lovi, he's _dying _you know! You can't love him! It'll only end in tears! Blah, blah, _blah!" _I'm fucking sick of it! Excuse me for falling for him!"

I knew it was wrong to scream at Feli. But I fucking _knew. _I knew it was hopeless, I knew it was idiotic. But I couldn't exactly change my feelings; I couldn't really take them back.

"I'm sorry" I whispered when I calmed down and nuzzled against my little brother apologetic. "I just…"

_I'm scared._

"It's okay, Lovi" I heard him whisper and felt him wrap his arms around me. "I know. I don't blame you. I root for you. I just want you to be loved, to be happy."

I nodded into his chest, knowing that he really knew. He knew me, I knew him. He was crying too. We were both crying. Such crybabies we are.

**Xxx(OwO)xxX**

I yawned and made my way to my office. It was Monday again, and after being off from work in three weeks, I felt really off. The door to my office was open, and surprised I went in, not really thinking about it until I noticed Raivis stand in the other end of the room, looking serious.

I stared back at him, having no idea what he was about to do or say.

"Raivis, what-"

"We're shutting you out from Gilbert Beilschmidt's case."

I froze. It felt like time froze. What?

… What?

"_WHAT?"_

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><p><strong>AN Please review, tell me what you think, and make my easter really happy~ That's right, HAPPY EASTER PEOPLE 8D I'm off to eat candy tomorrow~ Thanks for reading, and review QwQ Thank you all for keeping up with me~**


	12. Out

**A/N I. AM. SO. INCREDIBLY. GOD. DAMN. SORRY! I don't even have a good excuse for being away for so fucking long ;_; I guess I got some kind of a writer's block… and lost some faith in myself. It feels like Lovi is getting really OOC… and I'm really sad that I can't do more with this story (this chapter has no real plot either…) because I feel like both it and you guys deserves so much more… So I'll just keep trying to get back on track, okay? Really sorry for the delay… I hope you ENJOY anyway (^^;)**

**I DON'T OWN HETALIA.**

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 12<strong>

**~Out~**

"Y-You can't do that! I'm the fucking chief! You can't just drop me off without my fucking opinion! And I'm gonna stay! Whatever fucker who decided-"

"I did" Raivis said and looked at me, looking for every tiny bit of emotion my face showed. "We decided you are too emotional around Beilschmidt, you made him your friend outside the hospital."

"It wasn't like I had a choice" I spat. "Everyone tried to get us to hand out! The fucking world wanted me to be friends with him!"

"Then maybe the world decided this as well" Raivis handed me a paper which I immediately snatched out of his hands, looking over the words that told me I got suspended. I got paid for keeping away from the hospital until Gilbert was recovering. "Now you have all the time in the world to associate with Mr. Belischmidt. You're not allowed here Mr. Vargas. Please leave or I'll call the guards."

I felt empty as I stared on the paper. I saw the name of the highest boss, and nothing could move him. His decision was final, no objections allowed. I felt a hand on my shoulder, squeezing lightly.

"It may not seem like it, but I truly am sorry Lovino."

"Don't be" I said quietly, spaced out and turned slowly to the door. "It's my entire fault anyway. I should have expected it."

Without letting him answer, I walked out from his office and out from the hospital, feeling just… empty.

**Xxx(OwO)xxX**

"Aren't you going to work?" Feli asked and wrapped his arms around me where I sat on the couch. "You've been sitting here for a week now."

I looked up at him like I didn't understand. Because I didn't. What did it matter what I did now that I could do nothing? Nothing to help, nothing to do, just nothing at all. I had been an empty sheel, spending an entire week on the couch. Changing positions every now and then, staring at the TV that was on 24/7, sleeping there and only eating if Feli brought me something.

"What happened Lovi?" he whispered carefully, anxiously waiting for my reply, watching if I got angry, snapped at him. I bet he would be happy if I did, showing it was still me.

"I got suspended" I answered after a good five minutes in silence. "I'm not working on Gilbert's case anymore."

"Why?"

I swallowed hard. It was good that I talked about it, it would help ease the thoughts. _Why? _"Because we became friends."

Feli didn't answer me. He just stayed put behind my back, breathing on my skin, squeezing tighter, telling me he was there. My mind was blank. I didn't feel a thing, think one though.

"Do you regret it?" He asked after at least ten minutes, making me twitch, the first sign of life in so many days.

Did I regret it?

Did I regret becoming friends with Gilbert?

"No."

I didn't. I really, really didn't. No matter how fucking annoying the albino could get with all his nonsense about birds, strength and awesomeness I never regretted one second. I loved spending time with him, I was glad I had met him. No matter how fucking useless he was a friend, always doing his own thing, always hoping someone would catch on, he caught on. I didn't need to tell him anything, he knew exactly what I needed. I didn't ask or pleaded, he just gave it to me. As if he could read my mind he did the exact right things to make me feel special, to make me happy, to make me feel alright again. He was the only person except Feli I had gotten so close to. He was the only man outside my family I trusted to one hundred percent with my life.

I heard Feli chuckle lightly behind my ear, I could hear his lips stretch into a huge grin.

"Then what's the problem?"

What _was _the problem? I got fired because I made friends. Isn't that what life is for? Sure, I don't have many friends, and I'm not the nicest or the most sociable person (like Feli), but I still deserved friends.

I turned to Feli and grinned.

"Absolutely nothing."

**Xxx(OwO)xxX**

Two days later I was still on the couch. I had gotten over the numb-because-of-depression-state, but I just didn't have anything to do anymore. Feli took care of all the chores before I even got to say anything, I couldn't go to work, and Antonio had been the one dragging me out from the house every now and then, but now we hadn't heard of him in weeks. Well, Feli had. But not me.

I looked up when I saw Feli walking out from his bedroom, trying to tie his tie. I sighed and stood up to help him. He smiled gratefully at me and adjusted It around his neck when I was ready.

"Fucking stupid that you can't even tie your own tie" I rolled my eyes and he pouted at me. "Where are you going anyway?"

"Out on dinner with Ludwig and Kiku." He glanced up at me, eyeing my clothes and examining my hair. "You should come."

I frowned and crossed my arms over my chest. "Feli, I don't have the clothes, I haven't left the house for a week, and I haven't showered in the same amount of days!"

"If it's your hair you're talking about, we could fix that with a bit of hair wax!" Feli dragged me towards the bathroom, making me sit down on the toilet, giving me no choice at all when he instantly grabbed a comb covered with wax and started combing my hair. He listened to none of my protests as he took turns fixing my hair and getting clothes, stripping me and clothing me.

"Enough, Feli!" I said finally, pushing him away. "I _can_ fucking dress myself!"

"But you seemed like you didn't want to" Feli said and made a spin to the mirror, fixing his own hair. "I had to help you do the first step!"

I sighed and straightened my jacket, brushing away invisible dust particles. I had to admit I looked good. Feli always did a great job styling people. I was wearing my favorite suit jacket, over a red shirt with matching black dress pants. Personally, I thought I looked stunning. I don't know how many times I had tried to make Feli join some kind of a styling school; no matter what it cost, that kid got talent.

"I'm going to wait outside, so just get ready, okay? You're coming with me whether you want to or not, ve." Feli smiled at me, fixing his tie and practically bouncing out of the bathroom. I sighed, but I didn't strip off the clothes he had dressed me in. I actually was pretty hungry, and I didn't feel like cooking. I could as well come with them. I combed my hair back, sighing in defeat as I rejoined my brother in the living room.

"So? I hope we are going somewhere fucking great."

Feli grinned at me and pushed me out of the door. "Vee… Believe me, we are!"

**Xxx(OwO)xxX**

"I want three pizzas, _all _the pasta dishes and-"

"Feli, you can't seriously eat all that!" I growled, and turned to the waitress. "Plain pasta with tomato sauce for both of us."

"But-"

"Look Feli, I can take a pizza too share with you" Ludwig sighed, placing a hand on Feli's arm. My brother lit up and turned to the potato-bastard and hugged him.

"Grazie, Luddy!" he squealed and decided to tackle the big blond to the ground, not caring that we were in a public place, and hug the living daylight out of him. I groaned at them, resisting the u8rge to slam my head in the table.

"I-I would like the pasta with tomato sauce too, please…" Kiku said as polite as ever to the waitress who smiled and said that she would be back soon. Right, I forgot he was there.

"How do you put up with them?" I asked and turned to the quiet Japanese who simply flipped through the pages in the menu before exchanging it with his phone, texting at a rapid speed.

"You get used to them after a while." He said simply, never letting his eyes leave the screen of his phone. "They'll stop soon."

As if they had planned it, Feli and Ludwig reappeared at the table, Feli is smiling and Ludwig clearing his throat. Both blushing. I groaned again and buried my face in my hands. Too much shit I had to put up with.

"Ve, don't look like that Lovi! I'm sorry that you don't have a boyfriend to hug and kiss… but that doesn't mean I have to stop hug and kiss mine, right?" Feli tried to lighten up my mood, but it only made it a tad worse.

"We're in a public place, show some respect!" I hissed, looking around the room to see if anyone looked offended so I could use that person to my argument. To my disappointment, no one even glanced our way.

"Is this because of Gil?" Feli whined and my eyes got the size of plates.

"Feli!" I gasped, looking terrified at Ludwig and Kiku.

"He's already told us" Kiku said, looking as bored as usual, never looking up from his phone.

"So you're in love with my cousin?" Ludwig said and crossed his arms over his chest, hiding a amused glint in his eyes. I glared at him, probably looking ready to kill him because the amused glint spread to his lips which curled up in an amused smirk.

"Yeah, so?" I hissed, trying to sound as threatening as I could.

"I just wonder how someone could actually love him" Ludwig continues, his eyes telling me he's almost laughing.

"If you didn't notice, he has had _way_ more relationships than you" I tried to relax, for Feli, but failed miserably. "Feli is your first, right?"

"As if all those were true."

I glared at him, not finding any good response, and he glared back. Lucky for me, Feli decided to cut our fight off there, by talking to Kiku in a rather large voice.

"So! Kiku! How's Herakles nowadays?" He smiled as usual, ignoring me and Ludwig who snorted at each other and stubbornly turned away from each other, neither accepting defeat.

Kiku looked up for a second, not more, not less. "He's fine." He said finally. His phone buzzed and he glanced down at it. "He told me to say hi."

"Do you always text him?" I asked, trying to hold back the groan.

I saw a faint blush cover his cheeks and couldn't help but smirk. "… Yes." He said silently, cause me to laugh and Feli to squeal.

"That's so cute!"

If we hadn't looked quite alike, I would have seriously considered how the fuck we are related. Because there's no way in hell I'm that stupid!

… But hey, what did I know then?

**Xxx(OuO)xxX**

It was really late when I had to drag Feli, who had drunk a few (ten) glasses to much of wine, out of Ludwig's car and to our apartment. Ludwig had offered to drive Kiku home and made sure that Herakles met up with the drunken Japanese if I took care of Feli and put him to bed. Feli whined and sobbed though, clinging desperately to Ludwig crying; "No! Don't make me leave! Please Luddy… I wanna sleep with you… pleeeeeeaseeee… I want you…" When Feli got to mumbling about how much he wanted the German and other damn dirty thing I refuse to take in my mouth considering it was about Ludwig, the later blushing furiously, pushing his boyfriend into my arms, I pulled him out and slammed the door shut, screaming like I was in the cast to Mission Impossible to Ludwig to _drive the fuck out of there_.

So there I was, dragging my drunk, singing brother up the path to our apartment building, cursing myself all the way. Why, oh why did I have to get a brother that didn't realize how bad he could handle alcohol? And why, oh why, did I have to take care of him? I cursed again and looked up towards the house, and nearly dropped my brother right down on the stone pavement.

I saw smoke. Just at the entrance, there was a cloud of smoke, quickly traveling up in the sky. I looked mesmerized at the toxic airs thinning out and disappearing in the depts. Of the sky.

Why you may ask now? I'll tell you why. We live in a smoke free house. Built in a smoke free neighborhood. There's no one in a radius of three kilometers that would ever _think _about smoking.

And I only knew one person-

"Gilbert!" Feli squealed and grinned cheekily, before slumping down on my shoulder, snoring.

I simply stared as the ruby eyes looked up and met with mine, showing so many sad emotions, how he was sad, lonely, heartbroken, and begging for help. There was so many already finished cigarettes at his feet, one already emptied box of them, and he looked so destroyed and crushed it made my heart tighten, and I wanted nothing else than running over to him and pull him in my arms, hugging him closely and never letting go.

"Hey… lil doc…" He said hoarsely and I swallowed hard.

"Gilbert… What the fuck happened to you?"

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><p><strong>AN I am, once again, really sorry for that delay. I will try my hardest to keep the coming updates quicker, because now I think this is getting interestng xD Anyway, I still hope you liked it, and that you will be nice enough to leave a review, since those make me really, really happy QwQ Thank you all for keeping reading!**


	13. Broken

**A/N And my way of making up for lateness is DOUBLE CHAPTERS! YAAAAAY~ I had insperation today, so I wrote this too c: I'm still sorry for the lateness, but HEY! You got two chapters! With interesting plot now! I personally love this chapter xD As told earlier, I wrote this in, what, one and a half hours? So it's probably filled with typos and shit... I still hope you enjoy! And please review, tell me what you think, like, hate, love or just whatever xD Because they seriously make my day, and I love you guys, you're amazing! QwQ**

**I DON'T OWN HETALIA.**

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><p><strong>Chapter 13<strong>

**~Broken~**

He put out the cigarette he was just smoking, and slowly got up from the stone steps in front of the doors.

"Damn, that hurt. How long did you take, really? West said you were just eating out!" he groaned and massaged his legs and stretched his back.

"How long did you sit here?" I asked in disbelief, not really believing he waited for me.

"I don't know, four, maybe five hours? It was still light when I got here" he said with a shrug, as if it was normal to wait outside ones port in the early spring when it was still cold. I paled when I heard that though, walking closer to him, still with Feli over my back, pressing my hand to his cheek.

"You're freezing…" I said quietly, unable to hide the uncharacteristic worry in my voice. He moved my hand from his face to his hand, squeezing my fingers.

"Do you have time?" he asked, looking straight into my eyes, silently begging me not to leave him alone. "My car is around the corner."

I nodded and slowly, not wanting to part yet, pulled my fingers from his grip. "Wait here, I'll just leave Feli in his bed."

Gilbert let go of me and nodded, looking like a kicked puppy. I couldn't resist the urge to stroke his cheek again, letting him know I wouldn't just leave him. "I'll be back soon."

Without letting him answer, I walked as fast as I could into the house, making my way into our apartment, leaving Feli in his bed with a bucket if he threw up, a glass of water and aspirins for his hangover later. When I had made sure he had everything to survive the night, I locked the door behind me and rushed out again, seeing Gilbert stand exactly where I left him, not having moved a millimeter. I had to work really hard not to hug him, instead just patting his arm and smiling warily at him.

"I'm here, now, where do you want to go?"

He looked at me, trying to smile back, but failing. When he realized he couldn't hide anything, he took hold of my wrist and dragged me to his car. He faced away from me all the time, probably not wanting to show how he looked right now. When we got to his car we climbed inside and started our completely silent trip to wherever we were going. I caught up to the atmosphere that he didn't want to talk, so I waited. It was pass midnight when he finally stopped the car, I looked out, trying to get where we were.

I saw the trees, noticed the path with the pale, round stones, the benches in every ten meter along it, and the little playground in the depth of the park.

We were in the park where we first met.

Still silent, Gilbert opened the door on my side, reaching out his hand to me. Without hesitation, I took his hand and got out of the car. Neither of us made any move to let go when I was out of the car, we just intertwined our fingers and started following the path into the trees.

We still didn't talk, just walking alongside each other, making sure the other was still there.

"Here" Gilbert said suddenly as he stopped in front of a bench. I looked down at it and recognized it immediately. It was the bench he sat on all those months ago, where we first talked. I looked up at him, and met his insecure red eyes, looking at me. "Let's sit here?"

"Sure" I said, sounding strained, sitting down first, and pulling him with me. He sat down heavily, staring blankly out over the grass in the park. "… Planning to tell me about it?"

He couldn't stop a smile, even though it was a sad one, and he looked at me.

"I let you down, Lovino" he said with a voice so filled with sadness and pain, it made my heart break. "I'm so sorry…"

"It's not your fault!" I was quick to squeeze his hand harder, putting my other hand there as well, looking right back at him. "Whatever happened, you could never let me down!"

"But I failed…" his face changed to show his surprise. "I failed with my parents, Lovino…"

I felt my chest clench. I had longed for him to use my name, but now I wished he hadn't. It made me feel just as broken and sad as he looked when he said it in that sorrowful tone, in this scenario.

"How can one fail with their parents?" I almost whispered, holding him harder.

"They didn't want me" he said with a shrug. "I came to their house, observing them for a day. They looked so happy without me… My mom on the porch, sitting at a table and solving crosswords… My dad, watering the lawn, picking in the flowerbeds… And sometimes he walked over to her, just to whisper in her ear and kiss her. She giggled and whispered back, answering every kiss. They even had coffee with the neighbors, sitting and talking, joking laughing. They still lived in the light yellow house…" He looked at me and smiled. "I haven't told you, right? About the light yellow house. West loved it. It looked… _looks _like a house from the fairy tales, with the thin columns, the selected ceiling, the perfect lawn with the small flowerbeds, surrounded by a low hedge, tall enough to keep some privacy to their feet, but low enough to allow neighbors to talk over it. They are so social, my parents. They really are those nice neighbors that invite you over for coffee and makes sure someone takes care of your mail when you're away. I don't fit there… I really don't fit there."

He released my hand and curled up on the bench, pulling his knees to his chest and burying his face against them.

"I'm such a horrible son! They don't deserve me! I'm just a big fat disappointment!"

I didn't know what to answer; I was never the one comforting, just getting comfort. I swallowed again, placing a hand on his back. "Did… did you talk to them?" I heard a mocking laugh coming from him.

"Why would I? They don't want me!"

"How can you know if you didn't go there!" I raise my voice and yanks him away from his sulking pose, grabbing his shoulder hard and shaking the shocked man back and forth. "How can you know what they say if you don't let them say it? They're your parents! They can't hate you forever! A parent could never truly hate their child! You share their fucking DNA for fucks sake! You're the same! You're just a weakling for giving up without trying!" I felt tears running down my cheeks and I pulled away from him to wipe my tears. "You're just stupid for not trying when you have the chance…" He looked shocked at me, not knowing what to say, if he should touch me, talk to me, or do anything. I glared at him, and pulled him into a hug. "You stupid, stupid bastard!" I hugged him closely, refusing to let go even if he protested, which he didn't. He just hugged me back, gripping the back of my shirt and crying into the front. I felt the fabric go wet, but I couldn't care less. I leaned down and buried my face in his hair, crying too. It didn't matter that we ruined our clothes and hair. It didn't matter that it was freezing outside and Gilbert didn't have a proper jacket. All that mattered was that we were there for each other. The other's arms around your body, feeling his heat, his tears and his heart beat. All that mattered was that we were crying in the park were we first met, holding each other for so many hours we could barely move when we let go, and that when we looked into each other's eyes after holding so tightly around him, both of us leaned in the kiss the lips right in front of us.

**Xxx(OwO)xxX**

If someone asked us who started the kiss, even if our lives depended on it, we wouldn't be able to answer. We didn't know who was first with leaning closer, who was the one begins silently with their eyes to get touched, we only knew that all of a sudden we were kissing.

It felt a bit weird to kiss anyone else than Antonio, but it felt so much more than any of his kisses. It felt in the pit of my stomach, in my heart, and soul, and even in my fucking _toes. _It felt so right, so perfect. Like we were made for each other.

The kiss didn't last for long as we were still out of breath for crying, and when we pulled away our eyes met. And they grew twice as big.

We. Were. Kissing.

We both pulled away from each other, untangling our limbs and scooting to the other end of the bench, as far away from the other as possible without leaving the wood.

"Fuck! Why did I do that?" We both hissed, covering our mouths with our hands and looking back at the other.

We blushed and looked away again. The only thing that filled my mind was how perfect it felt, how I wanted those lips on mine again and again until I knew no more. Until I forgot how it felt when Antonio kissed me, just think about Gilbert, and only Gilbert, and how right he was for me.

After a few minutes in silence, both in our own minds, Gilbert let out a groan. He turned back to me as I looked over my shoulder and met his eyes again. The blush was still present on his cheeks, making him look incredibly innocent and cute. I blushed a bit myself, waiting for him to say something.

"Look" he said finally, "just… forget about that. We were both just going with the flow… with the atmosphere. We did what felt right to do in that moment… alright? It meant…" he swallowed. "It meant nothing."

I froze at his words and he looked nervously at me.

"Alright? Because you're a really great friend, lil doc, and I kinda… like that friendship." I felt a pang in my heart as he went back to call me "lil doc", it hurt when I knew how my name sounded with his voice. "So can we just forget about it?"

"That kiss meant nothing for you?" I changed the subject back to the middle of his speech.

He looked away from me, awkwardly looking for something else than me to look at. "Can you please just agree with forgetting it?"

"Gilbert, we just _kissed. _You can't forget a kiss that easy."

He refused to look back at me, and the darkness around us made it hard for me to see what he looked like right now, how he reacted.

I knew someone had to give up first, and I turned around to give in face to face when he spoke up again.

"Okay! I admit it was one of the most awesome kisses I've ever had, Antonio learned you well, but we'll just… have to ignore it for a moment, okay?" He looked up at me again, pleadingly this time. "Because we're friends, right?"

I felt a lump build up in my throat, but I made myself swallow it down and nod. I saw him light up, and suddenly it was all worth it.

"Great! Because I want you to go with me to my parents!"

. . .

"Friend" I just shared the most amazing kiss _ever _with say _WHAT?_


	14. Go fish

**A/N ...Hi. I'm really sorry for the incredibly late update! I hope you haven't forgotten about them! But well, life happened. I got a writers block, lost all my ideas and my head was just blank, I came up with a new idea, it wasn't that appreciated among my friends and I lost all hope in myself... But now I hope it's gone, but you can't really expect updates in the next two weeks since I'm working right now (making me stressed dammit) and so on. So yeah... I hope you'll keep on reading! I know I'm a horrible writer and don't make this story justice, so if not anything else, do it for Lovi and Gil :'c Anyway, I'll stop rambling now and actually let you read this horribly short chapter. Next chapter will be longer, I promise! So yes, ENJOY!**

**I DON'T OWN HETALIA.**

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 14<strong>

**Go fish**

Gilbert didn't waste a second when he took my silence as a yes. He practically threw us into the car, drove us to the closest airport, and pulled me inside. He almost ran inside, seeming really excited.

"Hey, hey! Stop! You're ripping my arm off!" I exclaimed, trying to shake my arm free.

He looked at as if to say he wasn't holding my arm, and ask if I was stupid, but when he actually noticed the arm in his hand, he instantly let go.

"Sorry", He mumbled and continued to go.

"It's fine" I mumbled as his hand left my arm. It felt a little empty, and cold when it left. I missed it already. Speaking of missing… "Hey, I'll just call Feli!" I yelled after Gilbert who went straight for the info disk. He raised a hand and made a two-finger-salute, telling me he heard.

I sighed a little and pulled out my phone, dialing Feli's phone number. As I suspected, he didn't answer. Probably still asleep. I heard the beep telling me I could leave a message.

"Hi, Feli", I said and followed Gilbert with my eyes. "You need to suck it up and manage alone for a week or something… you can go to the potato-bastard, but don't you fucking dare to take him to us! I don't want you to have sex in my home when I'm not there! Why? Because I don't want to! And Gilbert just kidnapped me; we're going to… wait a minute…"

I took down the phone to yell after Gilbert; "Where are we going?"

"Germany", he answered without hesitation.

I nodded and put the phone to my ear again. "Germany- Wait, WHAT?"

**Xxx(OwO)xxX**

"You never told me your parents lived in Germany", I muttered as we sat on the plane, a lot of protesting and Gilbert seriously dragging me on it, later.

"I didn't? Sorry, I thought you knew", he said like it was no big deal, but I saw his grin behind the magazine. I huffed and turned to the window. The only condition I had on tagging along to Germany, was that I got the window seat and that he'd buy me everything I pointed at when we went shopping which I would make him do just to annoy him.

"I have to go to fucking Germany, fucking great…" I muttered and curled into a ball in my seat, staring stubbornly at the clouds outside the window.

"Look, I'm sorry for not telling you, okay? But I knew you'd never come if you knew…" Gilbert said, actually sounding a bit sorry, but I didn't want to forgive him just yet. I didn't answer him, or turn to look at him, so he just made an irritated sigh. "Sure, be grumpy. I don't care."

I heard that he turned into a normal sitting position and made the noise of him opening the magazine higher than it usually was by snapping it open and straitening it with more force than necessary. I couldn't help but smile at how childish we were. We both were in our late twenties, and still we acted like a pair of five-year-olds. I refused to stop though; I would never give him the pleasure of winning. I wrapped my arms around my legs, and slowly closed my eyes, spending the first half-an-hour of the trip napping.

It only lasted for half-an-hour because Gilbert decided to poke me in the side. I made an irritated noise and turned to him.

"_What?" _I snarled, hating to be woke up when I napped.

"I'm bored", Gilbert stated.

"So?" I mumbled and turned away, my eyelids still heavy.

"You wanna play cards?"

"…Gilbert, I'm sleeping."

"So?"

…

I groaned and sat up, yawning and stretching my arms in the air. It was no point in trying to ignore a bored Gilbert; it'd only get worse if I did. So I sat up, tried to focus my gaze on him.

"Okay, what are we playing?"

"All fives?"

"Nah, boring", I took the deck of cards he held up and shuffled it. "Any other ideas?"

We ended up playing Go Fish, and accusing each other for cheating all the time. One time when I accused him of peeking and taking my cards and pairs when I wasn't looking, he picked up a handful of cards and threw them at me. I yelped and stared at him as he broke into laughter. I felt my cheeks grew hotter and I threw a handful cards back. He dodged and threw more at me. This leveled up into a full out card-war between the two of us, and even if the situation would normally have me screaming in laughter by now, Gilbert's expression made me stay serious. I stopped throwing for a moment, frowning at him.

"What are you doing?"

He laughed nervously and curled into a ball on the seat, looking small.

"I guess I'm just nervous", he said and looked up at me, and I could see how his hands shook.

I looked at him for a second, changing sitting pose in the seat again so I sat like I did in the beginning, sitting like normal people, resting my elbow on the armrest against the window, looking out. Blushing lightly, I bought my hand closer to his, feeling it shake under my fingers, and slowly I wrapped my fingers around his.

"It's gonna be fine", I mumbled and I could hear him nod besides me.

He didn't answer, and we spent the rest of the flight holding each other's hands.


	15. Reunion

**A/N There isn't much in this chapter that I find making sense... but I like it. This gave me feelings, so I hope you will like it! Please enjoy, and please review with what you think of this story and especially this chapter! Enjoy!**

**I DON'T OWN HETALIA.**

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 15<strong>

**~Reunion~**

Gilbert refused to let go of my hand, even when I tried to get let go and put some distance between us, he refused to let go and held onto me with an iron grip. I gave up on getting away from him and with a light blush I admitted defeat. It was embarrassing to walk hand in hand with him on a crowded airport in Germany of all fucking places, dammit.

"Where are we supposed to pick up our bags?" I asked and massaged my temple with my free hand, trying to make sense of German gave me a head ache.

Gilbert looked up at the signs, orientating himself. He raised his free hand and pointed at our far right. "The pick-up-bags-places-thingy is that way."

I nodded and since he didn't make any move to move himself, I dragged him in that direction, sighing irritated.

"You're the one knowing the bloody language, and yet it's me that one again has to drag someone across a crowded space to get shit done, it's so unfair", I muttered as I passed between people, trying to avoid them best I could, saying "Mi scusi" at random times to sound like really confused tourists. Which I was, obviously. Since Gilbert refused to help me.

**Xxx(OwO)xxX**

After an hour of running around we finally had our bags and sat safely in the back of a taxi, Gilbert had mumbled the address in German and we were on our way.

I sighed once again, looking over at Gilbert who had curled up in a ball again, once again refusing to let go of my hand. He nearly crushed my fingers with that fucking iron-grip of his! It hurt dammit! I tried to pull my hand away, but failed. I frowned and turned around to face him.

"Fucking tell me already."

He looked surprised at me, uncurling a little. "Tell you what?" he asked quietly, looking confused at me.

"Tell me why you aren't acting like a confident, egoistic bastard like usual", I pouted at him. I may not have been the nicest thing to say to someone who looked about to fall apart any second, but I wasn't exactly known for being nice either.

"I-I guess… I'm scared", he stuttered, trying to hide again, but I didn't let him. I made him face me though and almost regretted it when I saw his broken expression. "What if they don't like me? What if they're happy I left and never wanted to see me again?"

"No parent actually hates their child", I said after a sigh. "No matter what you did, your parent's will always love and forgive you. If you don't believe me you can ask them yourself."

He looked surprised at me, opening his mouth to ask something, but no sounds came out. I simply nodded at him. "Yes, we're there."

His head whipped around to stare with wide eyes out of the window out at the yellow house he described to me days ago. It really looked like it had been taken straight from a fairy tale, it was like a small castle, the grass perfectly cut, the flowers perfectly arranged. It looked like a dream, somewhere perfect for a child to grow up and get friends. It was the perfect neighborhood, and a day like this, with the sun shining bright and there were barely any clouds in the sky, many people were out in their gardens, working or taking coffee, alone or together with neighbors.

Gilbert laughed nervously. "S-See? There's so many out with their neighbors, they're probably not home." He tried to turn to the driver and tell him to go, but I managed to stop him before he did. I got out of the car, walking around to stand in front of the house. I crossed my arms over my chest and turned back to look challenging at Gilbert. I saw his paled face, and immediately he hurried out of the car, telling the driver to wait (probably, he never really told me what he said, and I don't understand German), and joining me in front of the house. "L-Look, we'll go and knock, _but _it they don't open in the first three seconds, we'll leave okay?"

"Don't you think that is a bit too little time?"

"You should be happy I give it any time at all." He tried to pout but the nervousness took the best of him and he grasped my hand again, intertwining our fingers and holding tightly. I sighed and started to walk towards the door, dragging Gilbert along. "H-Hey, do I really have to do this? I mean, I could do without it. I don't really need to talk to them, right? What should I say? I mean-"

Before he could finish his little speech, I rang the doorbell. Before I could even take a step back the door swung open and it almost hit me in the face. It grazed my forehead, and I placed my hand over the spot, swearing out of pure surprise as a blonde woman stood in the opening. I felt Gilbert tense besides me and take a step behind me, hiding, at the sight of the blue-eyed woman with the pale blond hair. She was beautiful, and if you looked really closely, you could see the similarities in her and Gilbert's faces. They had the same straight nose, the same shape of their eyes and the same shape of their lips. The woman smiled confused and tilted her head, trying to look at Gilbert behind me, eyeing us both curiously.

"Ja? Oh, es tut mir leid, ich weißt du?" she asked and I yanked Gilbert's hand.

"What's she saying?" I hissed to him, catching the woman's attention.

"You don't speak German?" She asked, this time in English. I slowly shook my head and she smiled at me. "Why didn't you say so? Both me and my husband studied English in our teens, we still speak it from time to time here at home too. You know our son…" she trailed of as Gilbert slowly appeared from behind me again, looking wide-eyed at her as she mentioned him. "Gilbert?" she gasped, getting tears in her eyes. "Mein Gott… Liebling, komm schnell! Sie wirklich wollen, dies zu sehen!" She yelled into the house and turned her teary eyes back to Gilbert. She reached out her hands to cup his face, a tear rolling down her cheek as she smiled widely. "Es ist wirklich Sie..."

"Was?" A man, about the same height as Gilbert, body built in the same way, except this man had a face and body scarred with age and a suntan covering his whole body, from the sandal clad feet to the roots of his hay colored hair. His equally blue eyes as his wife widened as he too spotted Gilbert, and he dropped the towel he had been wiping his hands with, and stopped to stare. "Gilbert?"

"Hallo vati", Gilbert said and let go of my hand. I stepped aside to make way for his father that came to wrap both Gilbert and his mother in a tight hug, tears falling unashamed down his cheeks. Tears ran down all of their cheeks actually, and I saw Gilbert's hand grabbing the fabric of their shirt's to pull them closer, convincing him this wasn't a dream.

It hurt in my chest as I say the family reunion. It became harder to breath as I felt the familiar lump build up in my throat. How I wished that was me. How I wished the death of my parents had been an evil joke and they'd come back like Gilbert had, laughed in mine and Feli's faces for believing them. I would hit them, Feli would cry, and then we'd all hug each other, holding real tight and never let go. But even if my heart wanted to believe this stupid little dream, I knew that that couldn't happen. Our parents were dead. Will be dead forever. We saw their bodies, their coffins sinking down in the groan and decided we would never let them leave our hearts. Me and Feli. That was all there was too my family.

I couldn't stand it, watching the family together again after all these years, happily hugging each other. If they had been angry at him, or slapped him, I may have been able to take it. But now they didn't. So all I wanted to do was to run away, but something kept me there.

After what seemed like an eternity they finally let go, talking rapidly in German as Gilbert tried to wipe his tears. Suddenly Gilbert's eyes found me again, and he made his way over to me, wrapping and arm around my shoulder.

"Vati, mutti, this is Lovino", he said proudly with his usual grin on his face. "He's a really good friend of mine."

His mother smiled and walked over to me to shake my hand. I hesitantly accepted it, shaking slowly. "Hallo, Lovino", she said softly, her voice sweet as honey. "I wish I could say I've heard a lot about you, but unfortunately I haven't. So let's get to know each other personally directly, okay? I'm Anna Beilschmidt."

"L-Lovino Vargas", I mumbled, suddenly unsure about the whole situation. Should I really get to know his parents when we were there for Gilbert's sake?

"Hallo, Lovino Vargas" his dad appeared, pulling me into a bear-hug, swinging me into the air. I yelped and kicked a little with my legs to get down, he was strong though, and didn't let me go until we had spun around. "I'm Lucas Beilschmidt."

He smiled too at me, and Anna turned to both me and Gilbert, smiling. "So boys", did she just address us 'boys'? "Would you like to stay over for coffee?"

I cleared my throat and slowly made way to leave. "I don't know if I should stay, this was for Gilbert after all…"

Before I could leave though, Gilbert grabbed my hand and looked into my eyes, silently begging me. "No, please stay. It'll be easier to get back then." He grinned and I felt like I had to stay, just because he made such a pathetic reason for me too.

"Sure", I said and watched as Anna and Lucas hurried inside to get the coffee and cookies we were supposed to snack on.

I have to admit, it was kind of nice to just sit and talk with Gilbert and his parents. They caught up on old times, Gilbert told them what he had been doing, travelling the world, and they told him about the changes in the local area, what his classmates did and whom they married, they even told him about some old lady that apparently used to babysit him had died. He got kinda upset over that one, but they soon continued onto the next subject. They even asked me about my work, my family and if I had some "little friend" at home. At that question both me and Gilbert blushed and stuttered until I managed to change the subject. We were there for hours, eating, talking and laughing. I felt comfortable with them very soon, but when it came to leaving, I was very eager to get away.

"Go get the cab, Lovi, we want a word with our son if you don't mind", Anna smiled as usual as she told me to leave and I couldn't do much more then nod.

I kept my eye on them inside the cab, I saw their serious faces, and I even thought I could see a tear roll down Anna's cheek when she threw herself around her son's neck, hugging him tightly. Their conversation was ended with Lucas placing a hand on his son's shoulder, Gilbert hugging his mom, and when they turned back to the house, Gilbert slowly approached the taxi. He was stiff as he sat down on the seat next to me. He had a straight face, but I could tell he was about to cry. I snaked my hand under his, squeezing reassuringly, urging him to tell me.

"I told them I was dying." He said after a few minutes of silence.

"What did they do?" I asked weakly, not knowing how to comfort him.

"Mutti cried", he said with a small smile. "She said it was unfair that as soon as they got me back, they would lose me again."

"And your dad?"

He turned to me and flashed the biggest fake-grin I've ever seen. "He promised to come to the funeral. They told me to ask you to call them when it happened, so that you wouldn't feel alone."

I didn't know what to say. I felt moved to tears when I heard that even though they just heard their son was dying they cared about his best friend. They cared so much they were about to share their hurt with him, someone they just met.

"They're nice people", was the only thing I could think of saying, and it made Gilbert laugh. I saw a tear roll down his face and he wiped it off.

"I know."

We sat in silence for a while, just holding each other's hands and watching as the driver drove through the city. We had shut the window to the driver's seat, so we were alone in the back.

"I won't let them have a funeral." I said suddenly, causing Gilbert to look surprised at me. I looked back, my face totally serious.

"I won't let you die, Gilbert. I love you."


	16. Awkward

**A/N Hi guys, I'm really sorry this is late (oh so fucking late), but I've started a new school, got a new computer and I didn't have the time to send this one over until today, so I'm really sorry it's so short, but hopefully I'm alright now and can start updating this more often again! I want to thank you for sticking with me, for still reviewing and just... be amazing readers. Thank you so much, and plase, do enjoy!**

**I DON'T OWN HETALIA.**

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 16<strong>

******~Awkward~**

After I had confessed to Gilbert, he simply stared at me. Then his lips curled upwards and he started to laugh. I blushed furiously and glared at him. "What?!"

"God, you can't be serious" he looked amused at me, mocking almost.

"But I am."

"That's impossible. You would never fall for me! You have Anton!"

"I broke up with him."

"Look, lil doc, I don't care. I don't care if I'm the love of your life, it's no point. I'm dying you know."

"I if someone should know. And I don't care. I only want to know… what _you _are feeling."

Gilbert kept quiet, not facing me and not making anything to answer. "It's no point. There's no point in wasting time and feelings on me. It'll only hurt us both."

Without letting me answer he turned around to look out of the window.

I refused to believe him. "But there is a point" I mumbled. "There's still hope… I love you."

**Xxx(OxO)xxX**

He didn't speak to me again for the rest of the trip.

I tried everything, mocking him, teasing him, punching him, and even saying nice words! But nothing got him to speak, or even look at me.

It has to be the most awkward night in history we spent together in the hotel room. Without a word he had moved pillows and blankets to the floor and he had built a fort on the carpet. I'm not joking, he put the pillows around himself as walls and threw a blanket on top, placing himself inside the fort and sleeping there for the rest of the night. Even though I got the huge, two-person bed all by myself, I couldn't sleep. My mind focused on the man on the floor, the man of my dreams. I really loved him, and I had been so sure for a second that he loved me too. The way he looked at me, and the kiss a few days ago had to mean something, right? Even though he told me to forget about it, it must have meant something. Because, let's face it, we kissed. And there's no way he could have felt nothing about it. He even responded! Or initiated it… Whatever. He liked it. And there's no such thing as a kiss without any kind of emotion. Even hate…

I quickly shook the thought off me and hid deeper under the cover. I didn't want to think about it. It was all just stupid. He could go around living his life if he wanted too. I don't care.

… Just a little.

Because I-I love him.

Hmph.

**Xxx(Gilbert's POV)xxX**

I looked at Lovi as he tried to talk to the incredibly German woman at the information desk. It was pretty fun to see him fume furiously at her, and her smiling confused at him and trying to make sense of the Italian swearing he threw at her. I couldn't help but grin at them.

I realized a while ago that whenever I'm with him, I'm happier. It was a few weeks ago when I noticed that it didn't feel quite as heavy when I was with him. When I hang out with him I feel like everything is alright. That it's not as bad as I know it is, and that I can actually make it until tomorrow. That I _want _to make it 'til tomorrow just so I can spend it with him.

Is that what they call love? That kind of love Lovi claimed he felt for me?

I shook my head, almost laughing at the thought. It wasn't possible. I would never fall in love ever again, and with never I really meant _never, _I was dying for fuck's sake! There's no point in falling in love since I would never be able to live with them, and well, death would do us apart way too early.

I sighed heavily, not noticing Lovi approaching me. I raised an eyebrow at the fuming Italian, but he refused to talk to me, walking right pass me. Didn't bother me one bit, I didn't want to talk to him either. I didn't make a sound at all until I sank into the chair on the airplane, sighing heavily again, using my headphones to shut him out. If I really had fallen in love with him, I would only have to ignore it. I felt an uncomfortable throb in my heart at the thought, and I tried to tell it I was doing the right thing. No need to put him up with something he didn't deserve.

A dying boyfriend.


	17. Coffee

**A/N Another one of those ridiculously short chapters x_x I promise you, the next will be longer! Well yes, not much to say about, really since it's so short. Just keep reviewing and be awesome! I love you all, and you make me keep going when I think I've completely lost it with this story ;w; Hugs and kisses for you, amazing human beings! Well, I hope you enjoy! And please leave a review to tell me what you think!**

**I DON'T OWN HETALIA.**

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><p><strong>Chapter 17<strong>

**Coffee**

I was back on the couch, sulking once again. Feliciano hadn't even tried to cheer me up this time, probably thinking I would get up in a few days. It had been three. And once again, with no job and no friends at all this time, I didn't find any meaning outside the stupid Italian dramas on TV.

"You're stupid! Can't you see she's cheating on you?!" I yelled in angry Italian, throwing the empty chocolate wrapping at the TV, huffing as I fell back in the couch. I crossed my arms over my chest, not wanting to stay sulking, but what else could I do? Gilbert had left me on the airport when we got back, making me find my way home on my own, without a message or anything. I just got turned down in one of the most horrible ways ever. Not that many people had turned me down, but that one had fucking hurt.

I sighed heavily, blinking as if to avoid crying, which I wouldn't do anyway. No way.

"Lovi, this is getting ridiculous." Feli frowned at me as he stepped in front of the TV, looking sternly at me. I looked up at him, gesturing at the TV.

"What? She's an idiot, and he needs to realize that!"

"I'm not talking about your stupid show," Feli said in frustration, shutting the TV off. "I'm talking about you! Sitting in the couch all day! Don't you have anything better to do?"

"…No." I answered honestly, since I didn't have anything better to do than sulk on the couch.

"Did something happen in Germany?" Feli carefully sat down in the couch next to me, looking at me with his huge eyes, filled with worry.

I didn't want to tell him, but I knew he would find out anyway, and he was my little brother after all. He deserved to know. Kinda.

"I-I told Gilbert that I love him," I said quietly, pulling my knees up to my chest.

I could almost hear his eyes widening and I felt his arms around me. "Oh Lovi! I'm so proud of you! What did he say?"

"That it's no point," I mumbled, feeling the tears burn in the corner of my eyes.

That got Feli quiet, and his arms tightened their hold around me. I don't say anything; I just hide my face in his arms, letting out silent tears. It's no point. It never was any point. He knew Gilbert would die from the beginning, and yet he fell for him, stupid as he was. He was happy with Antonio, so why couldn't he be happy with him?

"Do you think that it's no point?" I suddenly heard him ask, and I looked up at him with wide eyes.

"What?"

"Do you think it was no point to tell him you love him?"

I kept quiet, hiding my face against his arms again, not wanting to answer him. This was just like that time; the time Feli had asked him if he regretted me becoming friends with Gilbert. The answer was all the same now. "No."

"Great!" Feli sang, letting go of me and getting my phone, pushing it into my hands. "Now call him!"

I looked down at it dumbly, as if I had forgotten how to use it. I pushed the lock-button, making the screen light up. To my surprise, I got a message. I never get messages. I quickly unlocked it, checking the message.

"You. Me. The usual café. How about now? /the awesome one"

**Xxx(OwO)xxX**

He was already sitting there when I arrived. He sat at the table we usually sat in, having his usual cup of plain black coffee in front of him. I took a deep breath, stepping into the café and ordering my usual latte. God, I hate latte. I just kept drinking it because Gilbert ordered it for me the first time, so it felt wrong now to drink it while sitting here. He had told me I looked like a latte person. I didn't understand him, but I think I do ow. I liked him with a cup of coffee, so I think he had the right to like me with a cup of latte. In the latte you can see the changes. When it adds more milk or more coffee, sugar or even cream and ice. You can see it as clear as a day. With coffee it's harder, you never know if it was enough or if it was just enough. With latte you just know, because you can see it. Meeting Gilbert changed me. Like when you pour more coffee in the latte. I changed, feeling more mature now than when I was together with Antonio. I needed to grow up because of him, and I did, turning to to the better if I may say so myself. But I knew it wasn't over yet, it would probably never be. I swallowed thickly, looking down in the cup. Just like I think latte if better with more coffee, I think Gilbert made me to a better human. And for that, I love him. Stupid love, taking over my life. I snorted before I took the cup and went over to our table, sitting down.

"Hello, bastard," I said, sipping the liquid and deciding it was too hot to drink right now.

"Hi, lil Doc," Gilbert answered casually, sipping his coffee, and looking out from the window.

This reminded me of the first time we sat here. The exact same drinks, the exact same places. It seemed like they had never left, just sat there for months and months with no end. Think of that, his year was soon over, wasn't it? Soon it would be over for him, and Gilbert Beilschmidt would either be dead or survive. I shook my head. No, I shouldn't think like that. He would survive. He_ had _to.

I tried to get comfortable with the silence, but it was killing me. I wanted to know why he called me there; I wanted to say how stupid I was because of what I said. Because I was in love with him.

"Look, about what I said-"

"Don't say anything," Gilbert cut me off, turning his head to look at me. "I should apologize, shouldn't I? I was being rude and mean and everything in between." He smiled awkwardly, glancing up at me. I blushed, unable to take my eyes off him even if I wanted to. He had that power on me, making me unable to look away from him, or even speak at times. "I guess I should have said something else. Like what I really think instead of going on about how fucked our relationship would be, even from the beginning."

I kept staring at him and he leaned forward, over the table until he was mere centimeters from my lips, grinning as he used to.

"But if it makes any difference, this dead man loves you too."

I felt my cheeks heat up and I glared at him. "That makes the whole difference, idiot," I mumbled before I leaned forward, this time it was definitely me who initiated the kiss. I could hear some gasps and even giggles from around us, but I didn't care. They weren't important. What mattered now were me, and my lips against Gilberts. Gilbert, the soon-to-be-either-dead-or-alive-man, who loved me back. My heart beat faster at the though, and I pulled away, breathing slightly heavier.

"What now?" I asked, after all I wasn't used to this. I knew how to handle Antonio and all his approaches, since he was the one starting everything, but with Gilbert everything was new. He was a different person, a complicated one at that, but I loved him. And love is the strongest, isn't it?

"We could get together," Gilbert nodded, smiling a little at me. I could feel the sadness behind it, and I wasn't sure I wanted to hear the rest. "And you know, spend the rest of my days together, and make the best of it."

I looked up at him. The stupid grin, the colorless hair, the glowing red eyes… How I loved it all. I never wanted them to go away; I never wanted them to fade. "I would like that," I said softly, wrapping my arms around his neck to kiss him again.


End file.
